CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend and I broke up six months ago.

My parents were always nice to her face, but behind her back they’d constantly tell me she was trashy, overweight, I could do so much better. That got in my head since I love and respect them a lot. They’ve always done so much for me. I started picking at my girlfriend over little things my parents had pointed out about her. We had a lot of fights and she finally moved out.

My parents were really happy and fixed me up with a friend’s daughter right away. Every few weeks I’d text my ex just to chat, testing the waters about getting back together. She never seemed interested but didn’t shut the door, either.

She’s with another guy now and in love with him.

I blew it. I really loved her and I’ll never get her back. I want to accept that I screwed up and move on, but I can’t forgive myself for being so weak and stupid. I’ve lost interest in socializing. Other women seem dull and lifeless compared to my ex. I’m also angry at my parents, but mainly at myself. How do you forgive yourself for being a major idiot?

— Can’t Forgive Myself

Dear Can’t Forgive Myself:

How about some good hard work first on fixing the “weak and stupid”?

You say you respect — “a lot” — people who, behind her back, savaged your girlfriend as “trashy, overweight.” They behaved abominably, in service of terrible values.

And you not only absorbed their values, but also used them against someone who trusted you.

So this isn’t one “stupid” act, it’s a singing telegram from your maturity and integrity centers, begging for your attention. This doesn’t make you a terrible person, just an unfinished one.

Please take a hard look at your parents. Bad values can coexist with doting on one’s child. In fact, they can be deeply entwined, where they see their own offspring as worthy of special treatment the riffraff can’t access. Ugh.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, the reckoning: Is a person’s value on the inside or outside? Do your parents agree (beyond lip service)? Can you (now) see a pattern of their snobbery? Does tearing someone down fit your definition of a good person? Do you have your own? Or default to theirs? And: If you didn’t miss your ex — as in, suffer personally from their cruelty to her — then would we even be discussing that cruelty?

Start with integrity. Forgiveness will follow.

Readers’ thoughts:

“My husband said it wasn’t until he was out in the world that he realized what selfish people his family were. It was all just normal to him until he saw from an adult perspective how other people behaved.”

“It’s possible his parents habitually manipulate him. Some counseling could help him sort it out.”

“Please remember you listened to people who TRAINED you to listen to them. For literally your entire lifetime. You’re now doing the adult work of separating from the idea that you have to continue to listen to your parents. Forgive yourself by doing that work now.”

“Since you realized how foolish you were to push her away, share that with your parents. What will you do next time they attempt such sabotage?”