CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Hi, Carolyn: I was just offered a job that would revolutionize my life.

It would mean a substantial pay cut — I might have to downsize to a smaller apartment and push off some goals like homeownership — but it’s in my dream field, doing work that matters, on a schedule that would allow me much more time to do other things I love.

This would be an easy decision if I were single. I would take the job and enjoy the self-actualization.

But I have a girlfriend of five years, and her contribution has so far been to remind me of how tough it would be to return to a higher-paying job if I take this detour.

Honestly, I resent that and wish she would not weigh in, since I feel the “voice of reason” perspective is already covered elsewhere. But now the doubt is there, and I don’t know what to do.

— Not Single

Dear Not Single: I’m not sure what the problem is — that her concern might be valid and it dents your wishful thinking; that “elsewhere” was right all along but your girlfriend saying it means you now have to face it; that you disagree with “voices of reason” but feel you can’t disagree with your girlfriend?

Maybe it’s all moot, since you want the job and you’re legally single so you take the pay cut. Like you said — easy.

But since something is under your skin about it all, it’s probably worth at least a hard look first — to satisfy yourself, not your girlfriend.

And if you’re frustrated the money issue is so far her only concern, then say so — that you hope she has some other insights, because you respect her opinion and know this affects her, too. That way you’ll either get something more substantial to think about, or you’ll get confirmation that your girlfriend is not really on this journey with you. Good luck.

Readers’ thoughts:

“If you need the extra encouragement, I’m midway through a career I hate and have daily regret about not looking harder for a different career path.”

“I took a 60 percent pay cut to follow my dream. Huge mistake. I was able to get back into my old field at (almost) my old salary, but it was surprising to have a lot of people drop the salary substantially when I told them I wasn’t currently in the field. I had to remind them that all the years of experience didn’t just magically evaporate when I left.”

“You’re not engaged. She has a right to her opinion, but if this is really what you want and who you are, you should embrace being you. Better she knows your real priorities before marriage.”

“Your enthusiasm is infectious. It sounds like something you should try, especially if you are young. At places that can’t pay much, you often get to take leadership roles earlier. That can translate to higher paying work later. However, it is still work. If it were all fun, they could do everything with volunteers. So don’t hesitate over money. Do think three times because you need to realize not every moment at work can be meaningful and perfect. If you can live with that, go for it.”