CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES
Dear Carolyn:
What is the best way for my family to try to spend zero discretionary money, due to a most likely job layoff, without having to tell everyone in our circle?
The last few months friends have wondered why we don’t want to join them for anything that costs money, but I don’t see why a possible layoff is any of their business. From the outside, it probably looks like we are just extraordinarily cheap people currently with a good income. Any good way to not offend all our friends without telling them the whole truth?
— Not Cheap
Dear Not Cheap:
This was a pre-pandemic question that now has a ridiculously easy answer. “We’re not doing anything for the near future. Nothing personal.”
But there’s still the issue, always, of deciding what your priorities are and recognizing there are times when you have to sacrifice your lower priorities to preserve a higher one.
In this case, is keeping your financial situation private your top priority? Then it’s going to cost you some closeness to and companionship from your friends. Are closeness and companionship your priorities? Then they’re going to cost you some of your privacy.
You can certainly try the little-of-both method, and find ways to answer your friends’ queries with a general version of the truth that omits the specifics you don’t want to share: “We’re on a radical financial diet,” for example. Ideally people have the good manners not to pry, but a statement like that is the kind of thing a good friend might ask about — so be ready to answer their follow-ups. “I’d rather not get into it” or, “Just looking down the road” or, “Resetting our habits” are all neutral responses you can have at the ready. Again, the new state of things — early 2021 vs. late 2019 — means you won’t really need to explain anything to anyone paying attention.
The theme of my answer has been that you absolutely don’t have to tell people your business. However, I don’t mean to suggest there’s any shame in a potential layoff. If that’s any part of your motivation to stay mum, then please reconsider. Good friends want to know, understand, and help.
Re: Layoff:
As someone who has been laid off twice, I’d like to offer some emotional support. Layoffs have such a stigma, because you feel that if you were more critical in the workplace, then you wouldn’t be let go. Please don’t assume others will think poorly of you or judge you. Layoffs and other job losses are SO COMMON and I can guarantee someone you are avoiding telling has been through one.
You can absolutely say you are cutting back financially without disclosing why, but if the layoff happens, know that most people will sympathize.
Dear Anonymous: I see your 2019 “SO COMMON” and raise you a 2020 SWEET HOLY HELL. But the compassion is timeless, thank you — toward others and as well as ourselves.