CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Hello, Carolyn: I have two close friends getting married — I’ll be in one of the weddings.

From the past few years, I have learned that I get very depressed and down on myself during wedding season.

I suck at dating and have had zero luck getting return interest from anyone I’ve had feelings for, so I am perpetually single while my friends are hurtling en masse down the aisle. (Although the rush is slowing down a bit.) At one wedding, I wound up crying until I threw up in the bathroom as this loop of “I am alone, I am unlovable, other people get to fall in love but I don’t” played in my head. And that was after only one tiny glass of champagne.

I REALLY want to rally for my friends but am full of dread about what the next few months will do to me emotionally. How do I prepare?

How do I care for myself before and during these weddings?

— Down

The connection between “I am alone” and “I am unlovable” is begging, begging, to be broken.

That would solve your problem with weddings, for one. Much more important, though, it would also settle you into a much happier place in your life in general. Because this has little to do with weddings themselves — they’re just a trigger — and it’s not even about your success or lack thereof at romantic relationships (friends clearly love you).

How alone you are and how lovable you are can be completely different things. How each person approaches love is unique, and can’t be compared one-for-one.

Imagine for a moment you were on a first date with someone that went exactly as the first date went between one of these couples about to get married. It’s possible you would have thought, “Eh, meh,” and passed on Date 2, where they said, “Wow!” over the same conversation. Or they thought, “Eh, meh,” and ... stuck with it anyway, and got the result they did. Give a good think to how much can be taste or tolerance or patience vs. “lovability.”

I’m not recommending you tough it out with people you don’t enjoy — I’m just giving an example of how we all get to crossroads in life every day, little ones we barely notice, and bearing left vs. right can take us to completely different places in ways we can’t always fully understand after the fact.

Your comfort level with new people alone, or your impatience with minor incompatibilities that your more-easily-coupled friends just brush off, etc., could very well change everything about the dating process for you.

Just as people who get married and stay married for 70 years until death parts them aren’t automatically “lovable,” either. No one knows but the two of them whether love had anything to do with it.

So, again, don’t “settle,” whatever that even means, but do reframe where you are as a place that your decisions at your crossroads brought you. Positive choices, by you, reflecting your needs, more than any given rejections by others.

Consider talking to a good therapist about this, too, as self-care for all seasons. It’s bugging you, so it matters, and you matter. Doesn’t have to be any more serious or persuasive than that.

The day ahead: HHHHH = Dynamic; HHHH = Positive; HHH = Average; HH = So-so; H = Difficult

ARIES (March 21-April 19) ★★★★★ An old demon no longer troubles you. Inwardly, you’ll feel more peaceful and strong. New financial strategies are worth considering. Your legendary analytical ability is in top form, enabling you to find solutions to several pesky problems. Tonight: A sigh of relief.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) ★★★ Be lighthearted about partnerships today. Today doesn’t favor a serious or committed situation. Use caution in making promises, and select closest associates with care. Trust your own instincts if a project of time-investment seems risky. Tonight: Vulnerable to peer pressure.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) ★★★ Today accents domestic relationships. Be alert to the needs of beloved pets; they’ll be especially sensitive and emotional — also with any assistantship you hire and use. Tonight: A marvelous cycle for decision-making.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) ★★★ Your charisma is at a peak, and interesting new prospects are attracted to you. Genuine drama is followed by the fireworks clearing. A companion whom you’ve lost track of can resurface. Tonight: Doublecheck all agreements, for questions of propriety come into play.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) ★★★ Work hard and be patient. Quiet contemplation helps you find contentment. It’s a perfect cycle for redecorating projects in your home. You’ll be devoting great energy to family matters. Honor your childhood memories and heritage. Tonight: A long and soothing herbal bath.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) ★★★★ You’re ready to explore and wander. Reflect upon a world map to help intuit the best places for visits once this pandemic is over. There is an urge to be active, not to wait or postpone. Today reminds you to savor the present. Tonight: Savoring.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) ★★★ Today marks a wonderful time to separate the promising from the outmoded with regard to your source of income. You’re very progressive in analyzing new economic trends. Tonight: Investment clubs and other group activities help you with financial planning.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) HHHHH Today your charm and beauty impress the right people and help is offered. Pursue social and professional opportunities. Tremendous mental energy and artistic aptitude are heightened. New ideas abound. A friend is helpful and has knowledge to share. Tonight: Dance like no one’s watching.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) ★★★ Take time for quiet reflection today. Explore your subconscious needs through meditation and dream analysis. A person from the past unexpectedly gets in touch. You will be glad. Helping others who are less fortunate brings you joy. Tonight: A good night’s sleep.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) ★★★ Today emphasizes help, charity and wellness. A reunion of some type can be planned. Goals crystallize. Healing and growth are due. A larger-than-life quality prevails, but stay grounded and keep your perspective. Tonight: Involvement on Zoom with a large group.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) ★★★ Be a good listener. You may learn a lot. Today creates a limiting and somewhat frustrating career situation. Accept others as they are and use your creative ideas constructively. Tonight: Celebrate with older family members.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) ★★★★ Today brings a cycle of great insight and awareness. Discussion groups and an eclectic combination of cultural traditions awaken your higher mind. Studying another language can have a positive impact too. Tonight: Watch a foreign movie or documentary.