CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Hi, Carolyn: My feelings are really hurt by my husband’s lack of an effort on my birthday. I would normally just talk to him, but what’s so hard is that, in his mind, he really did make an effort. I feel like if I give him specific examples, it’s nitpicking and being hypercritical.

And, he is SO sensitive. If I tell him he let me down, he will be so incredibly sad. Stuff like that stays with him for a long time — seriously years.

I’m trying to reconcile my hurt feelings, which I believe are valid, with the cost/ benefit of telling him how I feel. Any advice would be helpful.

— Let Down

Dear Let Down: I am sorry to say this is not (really) about your birthday. This is about being married to someone who can be described like this:

“If I tell him he let me down ... that stays with him for a long time — seriously years.”

The fact that you (feel you) need to do a cost-benefit analysis every time you want to articulate less-than-joyous feelings about something in your marriage for fear of years!-long consequences tells me your marriage already is or will soon be a heavy weight to carry around.

And I’m not even getting into the whole idea that a bad birthday where one’s spouse made a good-faith, albeit disappointing, effort could cause more hard feelings than one is able to shake off in a day or three.

My advice is to skip the speak-up/don’tspeak-up calculations about your birthday and instead talk to a good therapist solo about the kind of tiptoeing around your relationship requires, and start taking steps to bring more honesty into it, come what may.

Re: Birthday Disappointment: You don’t have to say anything about this recent birthday. Instead, become proactive in helping to plan future birthdays. I was disappointed by a Mother’s Day about 10 years ago and pitied myself for the next week.

But then I figured that my loved ones thought they had been thoughtful and showed they loved me, but what I really wanted was meaningful time spent with them.

Since then, I always suggest an activity we can all do together as a family on that day. We have gone hiking, we have been to zip line parks, we even tried skydiving one year. It has also been as simple as minigolf and ice cream.

Same goes for gifts: If I really want something, then I just send out a list from which they can choose. We all have a lot of fun, and I am no longer disappointed.

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: This is reasonable, and true, and I’m grateful to you for adding it to the discussion, but I’m also (let’s call it) skeptical that the couple in the question are even in the neighborhood right now of reasonable truth. Yet. Let’s see what the counseling does.

Re: Disappointment: Maybe her expectations are the heavy weight he is carrying around in their marriage.

Fair enough. But — “seriously years”!

- W.