CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Hi, Carolyn: I am 34 and single. I have had four major relationships in my life, but I would not say I was a constant dater.

After a breakup, everyone always tells me to get back out there and have a rebound because that will help me get over it. I tried it once, but it didn’t work. The only way for me to move on is to get back to being comfortable being alone again, and that usually takes at least a year.

I went through a major breakup a year and a half ago, which was followed by a severe depression. I was really in love and I got seriously crushed. I have spent the last year and a half doing everything from prayer to meds, therapy, yoga and whatever else seemed to be a way to find some peace and contentment. During this period, my job performance suffered, my family and friends suffered, and my financial stability suffered along with me.

I am finally starting to feel like I am coming out of the fog. But what I wonder is whether I am just one of those people better off alone. I like being with someone. I loved being in love. But it seems to set me more off-kilter each time when things go wrong, and they always seem to go wrong because the person I am with simply doesn’t want to be with me.

When I am alone and not in a funk, I seem to do just fine. I am not a clingy person who needs to have someone to go to the movies with (even if I think it is better with someone). I have friends who are sweet and caring and I have a great family.

So, do you think there are people who are just supposed to live life alone, without a

significant other?

— Better Alone?

Dear Better Alone?: I know there are people who do live life alone; I’m also pretty confident they don’t want someone like me declaring this is how they’re “supposed” to live.

I think it’s a life that just happens, by choice, tragedy, or just by inches — and that sometimes really fits.

And, I think that if you think it fits, then I’m not going to try to talk you out of it. Your friends and their go-for-the-rebound advice are elegant reminders of the futility of advising against history, nature, willpower and the obvious. You don’t have the stomach to take on another romance. So, don’t. For now.

There is one viewpoint I will try to sell you: Life is long. Right now you’ve found a balance that’s too precious to yield to anyone — but every element of that balance is subject to change, including the solidity of it, your confidence in it, its value to you, and the anyones for whom you’d be willing to risk it.

In other words, keep choosing to trust yourself, and any future is possible; choose not to trust others, and you allow exactly one. I agree, forcing yourself to date is anathema to trusting yourself and your instincts — but so is forcing yourself not to.