CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: How do you deal with a friend who occasionally makes you feel uncomfortable with her use of racial epithets? She is otherwise a great friend who is always there for me and others. My discomfort with this has increased because people in my husband’s family have married outside their race — and I must add, to very wonderful people whom I have gotten closer to recently.
Is it worth confronting my friend on my feelings, or should I just accept that she has a bad habit of being racially insensitive in her conversations and overlook her comments?
— S.
Dear S.: Eating too many Twinkies is a bad habit. Biting your nails is a bad habit. I think anyone who has been on the receiving end of an epithet will tell you that using them is not a “bad habit.”
It’s the release of linguistic toxins into the air, and it denies anyone who comes in contact, even secondhand, an opportunity to breathe the clean air of mutual respect.
It’s ignorance, fear and injustice. I’m glad your rainbow of wonderful in-laws helped stir up your sympathies, but even if it were a rainbow of despicable in-laws, your duty would be the same. Whether they are wonderful or despicable speaks to their character, remember, not their race.
That’s why epithets are so ugly.
You say she is a good friend to you. Be a good friend to her and point out — when she uses them in your presence — that these terms disturb you. There’s always a chance she doesn’t quite know what she’s saying, in which case you’ll save her from dropping more bombs. And if she does know, then you’ll have made it clear that not even friends are safe havens for hate. Useful information if she ever hopes to keep quality friends.
Dear Carolyn: If one half of a couple doesn’t want to attend an event, can’t he or she not go? — Washington
As long as it’s not their wedding, I don’t see a problem with it.
Disclaimer: This statement is not to be used as justification for blowing off something your mate really cares about.
Disclaimer disclaimer: The first disclaimer is not to be used as a blunt instrument against a mate who really just wants to sit this one out.
Disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer: If you’re reading this deeply into the fine print to negotiate who goes to what with whom, then maybe you two should just talk.