DEAR PRUDENCE

Dear Prudence,

My sister has six children ranging from 6 months to 12 years old. For many years, my sister and her husband established our parents as their children’s guardians if anything should happen to them, but this past year my parents’ health has declined rapidly. They’re doing OK but need daily assistance and won’t be able to take care of kids. My sister and her husband have both been in serious accidents.

My husband and I have one 15-yearold, good careers, and busy lives. Our brothers are both bachelors. My sister has been pressing me to agree to be her children’s guardians in the event of their death. She has several suitable in-laws but doesn’t like them. My husband and I gave it a lot of thought and agreed that there would be no way we could take on all six. We could take the two oldest, but my sister got furious at the suggestion. She accused me of hating her children, wanting to break up her family, and being a “complete failure” of a human being. I told her to calm down, that nothing had happened and likely never would. She said she would take in my child “in a heartbeat” and I said one child wasn’t six. Now she’s giving me the silent treatment. I don’t know what to do, and I’m worried about how this might affect my nieces and nephews. My husband says we can just placate her and say we changed our minds. I don’t want to lie.

— Reluctant Guardian

The major flaw in your husband’s plan — aside from the possibility that it’s too late to placate her by saying, “OK, we changed our minds”— is that in the unlikely-but-not-impossible event that something does happen to your sister and her husband, and you’ll either have to go through with it or tell your entire family that you didn’t really mean it. It’s not just that the lie would be uncomfortable to live with, although I’m sure it would. It’s also probably not going to get you what you want in the short term and potentially lead to much bigger problems in the future. What you said to your sister was loving, realistic, and helpful. It might have been better to wait for your sister’s initial reaction before offering to take the two oldest, but your overall position is perfectly consistent with being a loving aunt and sister.

But you’re not in a position to argue about niceties with your sister at the moment. Give her a little longer to cool down, as it’s clear her emotions are running high and she’s not able to discuss exigencies without picturing worst-case scenarios and worstpossible motives. In a few weeks, let her know you’re available to talk if she feels ready.