CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Dear Carolyn: My mother just died after a battle with lung cancer. She had three grandchildren, two of whom came to see her during her illness. One did not, though she did call once to talk with my mother.

I am having a hard time with my feelings toward this niece who didn’t visit. My mother helped her financially through college and tried to be a good grandmother to her.

But my mother often said she didn’t feel loved by this niece. When she would say this, I would often defend the niece saying things like, “She’s busy with school.” But now I’m starting to think my mother was right.

I will see this niece tomorrow at the memorial service for my mother. I am angry that she will make time to come to the service, but didn’t make time to see my mother

while she was alive. How do I deal with this anger? What do I say to my niece?

— Angry

Dear Angry: “Hello, thank you so much for coming.”

That’s it. There’s nothing to be gained in carrying a grudge forward on your mother’s behalf.

It won’t help her now, or her memory; it probably won’t teach your niece anything, because she had her reasons — unknown to you — to make the choices she did.

Most of all, it won’t help you. It’s already inviting beside-the-point anger into a deeply emotional time for you.

This is the time to focus on your mom, your love for her, your formal goodbye and your time of mourning. Bring your attention back to that whenever you find your thoughts drifting to the niece.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Re: Niece: Transferring anger is a very common stage of grief. I suggest writing a letter to your niece but do not mail it. Then sit on your feelings for at least six months before you say a word to her.

— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: Yes. But write it and then destroy it. I don’t think it’s worth even the minimal risk of discovery.

And even if there’s something still worth saying after six months, it’s better stated positively: “I’m sorry you weren’t able to visit my mom.” Assuming the best. It’s not fair to the niece to come to your own negative conclusions — though if you’re mentioning it just to press for a confession, then I’d advise against saying anything.

Some good, warm, loving people just utterly fail at handling death gracefully. That’s a benefit you can always give in the case of doubts like this.

More readers’ thoughts:

“I was in the same situation as a young person. I didn’t realize she was that sick until she passed (seemingly) suddenly.”

“My family regularly assume thoughts and intentions that make me seem dumb, irrational or crazy. If I don’t show up to something, if I grow my hair long, if I frame X picture, I get a whole lecture about why I did that — and it’s never correct. It’s one reason we aren’t close.”

“Your niece may not be able to take time off for anything less than a funeral. Even if that isn’t the case, you’ll probably feel better if you assume she has good intentions.”