DEAR PRUDENCE

Dear Prudence: My sister-in-law has announced she is trans and is in therapy to transition successfully. It was actually a relief because it seemed to explain her past selfdestructive and self-seeking behavior (casual drug use, picking family fights, and even getting plastered at our wedding). We kept her at a distance from her past behavior but have been making attempts to bridge the gap, including introducing her (while socially distanced) to our infant daughter. The problem is she has taken a derivative of our daughter’s name for her own and has plastered the story across social media that we named our daughter for her (she tagged me in them). This is a complete fabrication and has confused our family and friends. The situation leaves my husband and I baffled and more than a little uncomfortable. In the past, my sister-in-law has been a habitual liar and would invent elaborate fictions and even fight with other people over them—like insisting the family had a dog growing up that a neighbor ran over and whose body she found, which never happened. What should we do here?

—Misnomers

It will serve you well to stop thinking of your sister-in-law’s transition as an explanation for or solution to things like drug use, family conflict, lying, or any other behavior you find difficult to deal with. It may very well be that her own sense of transness, whether conscious or subconscious, has played a part in some of these things, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it was the sole underlying cause, or that transitioning will resolve old relational patterns, bad habits, or difficult quirks of personality. She will still be a flawed human being after transitioning! That’s not to say that transitioning might not improve her life immensely, just that if you expect it will “fix” her shortcomings, I’m afraid you’ll be setting yourself up for disappointment.

I’m of two minds as to how I think you ought to handle this particular lie. On the one hand, as uncomfortable as it may have felt to see her invent a connection where none has previously existed, you can simply choose to ignore it and save your energy. If some people mistakenly think you named your daughter for your sisterin-law, it’s no skin off your nose. You can answer honestly if anyone asks you about it: “No, we’d already picked Moira before Moira II came out, but obviously we think it’s a lovely name.” If you plan on keeping your sister-inlaw at a friendly but distant remove, that might be the most effective strategy.