CAROLYN HAX

Hi, Carolyn: I’m a woman squarely in middle age, married for more than 20 years, two kids in high school, mortgage, job. I have a privileged life, so I feel ungrateful and selfish but here goes: I feel like I’m living someone else’s life.

I wouldn’t choose most of it again and I don’t know what to do about it. I made most of the decisions that got me here when I was in my 20s. It didn’t even occur to me to ask what I wanted from life then — I just did the things I thought I was supposed to do.

Almost 30 years later, I’m lonely in my marriage, and have a job I stay in only because I like my co-workers and it pays relatively well. Looking back, the only parts of my adult life I would happily do again are college and my kids.

I know I’m not alone in this. The women who have gotten out basically started over after their kids graduated. It can’t be that the only options are giving up and living with the way things are, or chucking the whole thing. How do I start making this life more my own? It’s kids and husband and aging parents and house.

— Sucker Punched

No way you believe your only choices are surrender or divorce. Right? I mean, you can change some pieces but not others, just as you always have. This just feels like a crossroads, or a classic midlife crisis — but it’s not a fixed or different state of being.

You’re still you, days are still days and jobs are still things you keep or quit. Midlife is just life. Your kids/parents/property still need you for a while, sure, and running out on them can’t be seen as an option.

But if you can find even 30 to 60 new minutes for yourself daily, then you can make life more interesting. Which could provide oxygen to your relationships that have grown stale. Be respectful of your commitments while also moving through the world with a little more independence. Experience things you can report back to your people.

And, start talking about what comes next, especially with the house. Or pick up a cause to work for, as the kids need you less. Or plan big travel or small afternoons with books. Or make no changes except to ask yourself, “Who have I become?”; “What’s my next challenge?”; “10 years from now, what will I wish I had done today?” Face the scary stuff — in your head, where commitments aren’t binding.

Finally, stop revisiting choices as things you would or wouldn’t do again. They seemed right to the person you were when you made them — good enough. If your view hadn’t changed in two decades, you’d be a zombie or a fool.

Readers’ thoughts:

• “Sucker Punched might also benefit from a depression screening.”

• “I’m not married and don’t have kids, but I have midlife regrets, too. I think it’s a natural part of aging, where you look at your life honestly because you’ve reached the point when you realize there will be an end to it.”

True — that’s the real sucker punch, isn’t it. Thanks.