CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED

Dear Carolyn: What do I owe my siblings, if anything? My husband has been fortunate enough to make a lot of money, and we agreed long ago that it was for us and our adult sons, not our (many) deadbeat relatives.

My older brother pretty much raised me and helped my husband when starting out. Brother had a severe stroke three years ago, and Second Wife claims they have gone through all their savings and are now $140,000 in debt with all the costs.

She is trying to guilt me into helping them. I do not feel this is appropriate.

She did quit her job to take care of him, but they were improvident and did not buy long-term care insurance. I ask her why she does not put him in a home or hire a fulltime aide and she says they can’t afford it.

Brother’s adult children tell me Second Wife is horrible, which is why they choose not to help either.

Second Wife had the nerve to ask me to help buy Brother an oxygen concentrator. It is expensive: $2,500. I think this is pushing it. She comes off as bitter, so we said no.

Now she tells me she will have to launch a GoFundMe, because otherwise they will lose their house. This will be extremely embarrassing to my husband and me, because we are prominent in the community. What do you advise? — Family

Dear Family: I don’t even know what to do with this. Your prominence is a priority so misplaced I’m surprised you found it. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if you’re the wife posing as the wealthy-ogre sibling.

This is not about siblings, plural — this is what do you owe the BROTHER, singular, who is suffering! And who “pretty much” made you and your husband. He is debilitated and utterly dependent on the kindness of others.

Like a child.

His wife could be a monster and it wouldn’t change his vulnerability.

If anything, it would make his safety even more precarious. And yet your entire costbenefit analysis is calculating how much you will allow him to suffer for his wife’s faults. Whew.

So I’ll just answer your original question. If a sibling needs help, then you help — especially one to whom you’re indebted.

If you can’t trust his wife, then pay providers directly.

Have you asked yourself why you’re working so hard to stiff your benefactor? Readers’ thoughts:

“If you can afford to help, HELP. You can set terms, appropriate boundaries, a timeline. You can also help in non-monetary ways that show your family member that he/she is not forgotten or unimportant. Deliver a hot meal. Call. CARE.”

“Ignoring the writer’s callousness, I want to say getting involved might save you money. Medicare and Medicaid can cover oxygen concentrators, a nursing home or home services through their local council on aging. Since insurance covers what the wife is asking for, perhaps there’s a reason to be suspicious, but you won’t know unless you get involved. A little compassion goes a long way.”

“Seriously? Lots of people don’t buy longterm care insurance because it’s not clear that it’s beneficial based on the cost.”