CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend is a musician and never made a ton of money, and I carried the bulk of the financial weight because of it. It was hard but I was willing to do it because I love him and he’s a very kind man. We never argue and get along very well.
Now with COVID, most of his work has been canceled and he’s unwilling to find something else. He’s also very depressed because of it.
We have since moved in with his family in a separate apartment on their property. His family is lovely, but I hate the apartment and want our own space. It’s hard to plan for a future including things like buying a home or starting a family when only one income would be used. I am torn between leaving a man I really love or staying and having financial pressure I don’t want. Any advice would be appreciated.
— Anonymous
Whenever I read declarations that money is the No. 1 issue couples argue about, I always wonder if the problems are like yours — ultimately not about money at all.
What you describe here are failures to cope. Coping would be measured in dollars in this case, yes — restoring his income, having enough for better housing, financing the future you want — but most of your problems wouldn’t go away if you dropped bags of money on them.
That’s because the root problem is your boyfriend’s apparent emotional paralysis in the face of COVID cancellations. He has been ... unwilling? or unable? to get past the loss of his livelihood and into a job, any job, to tide him over financially until he can perform again. If he is indeed “very depressed because of it” — clinically, not just colloquially — then it’s probably more unable than unwilling to take steps (without help) toward proper self-care and medical treatment.
Had he taken any old job and/or concrete steps to tend to his sagging mental health, would we be having this conversation? Neither of us can know, but I’m guessing the hated apartment would chafe less if you had the assurance of a MUTUAL effort toward making the best of it.
So while your frustration with the financial pressure is valid, that pressure is a symptom. The underlying ailment is his shutting down under duress.
As his partner, you are in the best position to find out whether it’s can’t or won’t, and if it’s can’t, whether he’s receptive to help. Answering those questions will allow you to better identify the crossroads you face:
For can’t: “I am torn between leaving a man I really love or staying with someone who needs treatment.”
For won’t: “I am torn between leaving a man I really love or staying with someone who refuses to find other work or seek treatment.”
Each, in its way, is much easier to figure out, as painful as the choices would be. He, meanwhile, might need to reckon with your looking no deeper into his struggle than its outermost layer of cash.