CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Hi Carolyn: My husband and I have a toddler and want another child. Since college, I’ve lived away from my entire extended family. I yearn to live near them and give my child(ren) the experience of growing up near grandparents, aunts/ uncles and cousins. I’m also the eldest, and feel the need to live closer to care for my parents.

I’m trying to figure out how to even broach this topic with my husband, other than my random quips every now and then: “I miss my family so much,” and, “Gosh, I wish we lived closer.” He did not grow up living near grandparents/aunts/uncles/ cousins, so I don’t know if he understands my underlying desire.

Fairness is important. I understand we will see my family more than his if we move. But it is an effort for any family member to visit us where we are — mine or his. Long drives, plane rides, etc. We are pretty balanced right now, but I am much closer to my family than he is to his.

Maybe I can just ride this feeling out for 5-10 more years, when long-distance travel isn’t as hard as it is with toddlers? However, I want to stand up for the life I want. How do I do this when (I think) I know this isn’t what my partner wants? It would mean a new job and city for him. He could easily find work in this new city. — Helpless, Sad And Stuck

This isn’t your typical gobsmacky topic, but my gob is smacked.

It’s this: “I’m trying to figure out how to even broach this topic with my husband, other than my random quips.’”

You are years into these thoughts, and you’ve said nothing to your life partner? Besides “quips?”

I just don’t understand not saying how you feel. All along. Trusting your marriage enough to be yourself inside it.

Obviously you don’t want to badger or guilt-trip anyone into anything, but those are just possible bad outcomes that are easily preventable through honesty, transparency and maturity. “I have had a strong pull toward [hometown] lately.” And you say why, and say you understand he might have reservations, and will hear him out. Say you ask only that he be willing to discuss it vs. jump to an answer. It would be a big deal to move or stay put, so considering it carefully is in both of your interests.

But, again — why are you speaking through quips and hints and interpretive dance? Say what you think and feel. Listen to what he thinks and feels. Live on your foundation of mutual respect — or, alas, realize you don’t have one (which would also explain a pull to move home).

Re: Moving: Definitely yes on being honest on how important this is to you. But also go in prepared that talking doesn’t mean you’ll get it. You may find out truths your husband has been withholding, too, that pull him to stay where you are with a force equal to the one pulling you toward your family. Your assumption that he could easily find work may be wrong, for example, or perhaps your close-knit family treats him as an interloper, and you haven’t noticed.

This necessary discussion may take both of you places you don’t expect to go.