CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Hello Carolyn: My first cousin, a professional athlete, is getting married. When he was drafted a few years ago, he received just under $1 million, now he is making about $600,000 per year.

My family was just invited to his bride’s wedding shower and to the wedding. These two have registered for everything under the sun, from a $6 spoon holder to a mirror that costs $3,500. I feel this is inappropriate for people who are so wealthy.

I am of the opinion to not send any gifts at all and just a thank-you note for the invite, but my mother feels we are obligated to send gifts even though we will not be able to attend.

Please let me know your take. It seems very rude for the couple to ask for presents when they are perfectly capable of buying anything they need.

I feel it would have been much more classy to ask for a donation to a charity of our choice in lieu of gifts. — Annoyed Cousin

Dear Annoyed Cousin: Thank you for the invitation to a class-resentment party. I regret that I must decline.

First, the etiquette. You are not “obligated” to send gifts, whether a couple registers for luxuries or charities or nothing at all. Gifts are always at the discretion of the giver — otherwise they wouldn’t be gifts, they’d be taxes or fees.

Offering a registry, too, is not “ask[ing] for presents.” Love them, hate them, complain about them, but call registries what they really are: suggestions for people who wouldn’t otherwise know what the couple might like.

Second, the capability thing. Most people who register for gifts can buy their own housewares or whatever else. The actual furnishing of a home by the broke young’uns’ supportive community is not the point, or at least it hasn’t been since well before any currently active pro athletes were born, Tom Brady possibly excepted. Wedding gifts are part of the current set of traditions for saying “Yay!” when a couple marries, and that applies whether a couple is flat broke or flush.

Is it nice when a flush couple sets a charitable tone with their registry? Sure. I guess. Maybe. You see, it’s also fraught with potential for misinterpretation: “We’re so rich we don’t need your stuff!” If you had to hold me to it, I’d recommend (for any couple, really) offering a small, relatively modest registry as a courtesy to those who want gift guidance, plus putting out word discreetly through surrogates — wedding party members, immediate families — that gifts in the couple’s name to a favorite charity would be most welcome.

It’s a needle-threading regardless and there are countless opinions, traditions, sensitivities, causes, cultures and grievances all competing to fit through the eye.

Third, longevity. Even knowing I’m going to hear about it: Your cousin is earning, yes.

Before you get too exercised, though, consider the lifespan of an athletic career. Some short years from now — or days — his body will lose its competitive value. Will you so begrudge the spoon holder then? Speaking of — isn’t that registry item proof of the couple’s sensitivity, making sure there are price points reflecting the varied financial standings of their guests?

Fourth, he’s not succeeding at you. And he’s family! Why not just wish him well, and mean it.