CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I have started doing a weekly movie night, where we “take turns” choosing a movie and watch it together, with snacks and beers and laughter. Why do I put that phrase in quotation marks? Because even though I have sat through every single one of my boyfriend’s picks, including the very boring one that was just a 90-minute car chase and the one that scared me so badly I couldn’t sleep that night, somehow it always works out that if I pick a movie he doesn’t want to watch, I end up getting pressured into choosing something else instead. Either he sighs and makes a big show of what a sacrifice he’s going to make by watching it, or else he outright asks me to pick something in some other category because he’s “not in the mood” for whatever I picked.
I don’t want to force him to watch movies he doesn’t want to watch. I also don’t want to be a spoilsport who vetoes his choices just because they aren’t what I want to watch. Is there a way to compromise that doesn’t undermine the whole point?
— Movie Night
Dear Movie Night: Honestly? It sounds as if you need to date a less self-centered person.
But I’ll try.
Each of you, on your night, writes down 2, 3, 5 movies you want to see. The other chooses one. No harrumphing, caving or mood-based vetoing.
If he can’t do even that without getting huffy, then consider moving on. Please. Flexibility and good sportsmanship are worth whatever the wait is to find them.
To: Movie Night: Is he this selfish and intolerant in other aspects of your relationship? Because my husband and I trade off movie picks all the time. He knows I have no stomach for violence and I know he loses patience with some of the intricately plotted films that I like. So we take each other’s preferences into account. Somehow we still manage to delight each other with our selections almost every time. And he would tell you there have been many times that he initially rolled his eyes at one of my picks but watched it anyway like a good sport, only to end up loving the film. I guess we just have a general willingness to indulge each other in small ways like this. I don’t know why you would be in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t, honestly.
— Indulgent
Dear Indulgent: Yesssss. Thank you. Not to mention someone capable of being surprised and entertained by something new.
To: Movie Night: Just start vetoing movies you don’t want to watch either. Why should either of you have to sit through something you hate?
Dear Veto:
— Veto
Especially if it’s each other.
To: Movie Night: Hold on. Your presentation of this is that you’re stepping up to the plate and he isn’t — but that’s an unfair presentation if that’s not actually what he wants, if he would be upset to know you’re torturing yourself by sitting through his picks. It’s destructive to both you and the relationship not to speak up and discuss the differences in how both of you are handling this.
— Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: That, too. Nice catch.