CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: My husband likes to tease me by using a synonym for “delayed” that is an insulting schoolyard taunt. Technically, the word is correct in its meaning, however in common usage, especially when describing a person, it is an insult. I have asked my husband repeatedly to stop. He does it at least weekly, whenever say I’m running late or worried about a potential delay. The last time I asked him to stop, he said it’s much too fun for him to ever consider stopping. He fully admits it’s fun for him because he’s able to insult me under the cover of using a correct term. He says I’m trying to spoil his fun and I should be a good sport.
What can I do to get him to stop? Thanks.
— “Can’t Take A Joke”
Dear “Can’t Take A Joke”:
Divorce him. I can’t believe we’re here again.
Are you ready? One insult may not seem to justify it, even a recurring, utterly, jawdroppingly offensive one (or it may — what is he, 12?). But he doesn’t sound like a nice person. He plainly has no interest in what you want or how you feel or in shutting his mouth long enough not to be a verbally abusive jerk for even a week.
This, like shunning one’s soon-to-be grandchild for having dark skin (the subject of my Sept. 29, 2021 “divorce him” bit.ly/ DivorceTM), justifies ending a marriage.
We could look at it the other way, too, if you’d prefer: What about being called a [schoolyard taunt that is so shockingly awful it will now get you thrown off the schoolyard], at least weekly, justifies staying married?
If I’m wrong about him, then I’ll gladly retract my answer. Maybe he’s just incredibly emotionally obtuse.
Readers’ thoughts:
“It’s not just the teasing. Her husband is also guilty of, “But I alone am correct,” syndrome, in the same vein that people loudly proclaim that “ALL lives matter” is properly inclusive and not code for something else. He also wants to demonstrate his intellectual superiority over his spouse by pretending his word choice is acceptable because he has such a powerful vocabulary. The reality is that he knows it upsets his spouse and he does it to achieve this. And then blames their inability to laugh at his joke.”
“I like teasing and being teased. My closest friends and I can say the most horrible things to each other, and after mutual boggling at how horrendous they are, we laugh and laugh. It’s funny because we know the other doesn’t mean it.
If I made fun of a friend and he thought I was seriously mocking him, it would immediately cease being funny. Hurting people’s feelings isn’t fun or amusing.”
Hi, Carolyn: I remember there’s this “circle of care,” or something like that, related to protecting someone dealing with illness or tragedy, where one person is the point of contact for updates, and who to bring into what circle? Can you share that resource again? Thank you.
— Coordinating Communication
Dear Coordinating Communication:
I think these might be two different things. There’s Ring Theory, about circles and “dumping out” your stress instead of in on the person suffering: bit.ly/DumpOut. If you’re a point of contact, then a site like CaringBridge, www.caringbridge.org/, can ease that load. Hope everybody’s OK.