CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

If you’re serious, then your next step is counseling through a reputable

adoption resource. They work with prospective parents every day.

As for your brothers, remember, unequal bonding happens in biological families as well. Believe me. There are no simple attachment guarantees, where bio = strong and adoption = shaky. Strong bonds include some chemistry and some commitment, and good parents are mindful to keep the levels where they need to be. And plenty of people align with a family of choice over family of birth.

And finally, if anyone isn’t receptive to the family you build through adoption, make it easy — don’t reserve any of your family’s precious time for them.

Obviously it’s hard to “divorce” family members. But if they reject your kids, then they decide for you.

Readers’ thoughts:

“I never felt a strong immediate parental bond to any of the four children I birthed.

I distinctly remember the doctor plopping each baby on my chest and thinking, “Oh hello there, stranger!” I felt protective, and the beginnings of love, but I’m convinced they could have put any baby on me and I’d have felt the same.”

“Adoptive father here. I could not love my daughter more had I somehow borne her myself (which would have been really painful, as I think about it). With that said, please allow me to drop the other shoe on your foot. My now-ex-wife never bonded with our daughter.

By the time my daughter was 5, she was telling her mother she should leave. By 19, she was telling people that she was close to her father but had never even had a mother.

In other words, there are no guarantees here, and if you go into this thinking you might never bond, then you will never bond. Please work with both a therapist and an adoption social worker, and ask yourself this: If you saw a child who was alone and scared, could you take them in as your own? If you hesitated in answering that, please do not adopt.”

“However you go into parenthood, be ready to answer the question: “If this child or relationship isn’t what I want it to be, will I be kind and generous anyhow?” My sister was adopted and I was biological, and my mother had terrible guilt for not particularly liking my sister, until she had me and didn’t like me either. She only really learned to love us when we were 5 and 4 respectively. We never suspected. Mom said, “Whatever you don’t love about your child is your problem. Your job is to make sure it’s never their problem.””

Need Carolyn’s advice? Email your questions to tellme@washpost.com.

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are in our 40s and have done multiple rounds of in vitro fertilization, unsuccessfully. We’re tossing around the idea of adopting, however, I’m worried about the lack of “bond” I or my husband might feel. My parents adopted two boys when I was in college and one feels like a brother but I have no attachment to the other. This could be because of what that brother did — theft, drugs, lying. My now-father-in-law basically criticized my parents for adopting, and I worry he would throw that in our faces as well. My dad and brother, on the other hand, are super-supportive. My dad is willing to help out financially. How do I get over these worries?