CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

So the accident would have bothered you if it had happened inside? It was an accident either way. Even a careful person can spill.

I think that’s the path to your answer: Yes, respond gently to accidents. Reflect the intent, not the outcome.

Note too the use of “respond” vs. “react”: Generally we’re not at our best when we’re reacting. We also can’t reasonably expect ourselves to bat 1.000 on responding thoughtfully in every moment; sometimes a yell comes out when the milk does. But these are still the right goals to set — never to yell at a child, and never to treat an oops as a choice.

As for your example, the milk spill wasn’t worth a correction, but the lie was. “’No one’? Well, please tell No One that it’s OK, spills happen — but telling the truth is the best way to fix a mistake.” Raise eyebrow. Wait for a response.

This is another area where 1.000 is unrealistic, but gentle responses to truthtelling, repeated over a childhood, send the message that you’re a safe place for truths to be told.

As you can imagine, this has been incredibly difficult. We video call with my parents once a week and are looking forward to the vaccine becoming available for young children. Both my sister-in-law and her mother made comments on a recent video call that I found very insensitive. I like them both and generally have a good relationship with them. One, a doctor, said she didn’t think a vaccine for kids under 5 would ever be released. The other said any screen time for kids under 2 was bad for their development. I countered with reasons video calls with friends and family do not have the same negative effects as watching passive content. She dismissed this.

I feel this was insensitive and they should have kept these things to themselves. They know the only contact my parents have with my son is by video and they know we are waiting to get him vaccinated before traveling.

Should I let these comments go? If not, how best to broach them? I was really hurt.

You’re doing your best under awful circumstances. You know that.

So give yourself some grace by declining their invitations to a political proxy war and just extending some grace to them: They think they’re helping. Bless their hearts.

Keep doing what you need to do.

Need Carolyn’s advice? Email your questions to tellme@washpost.com.

Hi, Carolyn: I am interested in your approach when responding to a child who knows he made a mistake. Example: My nephew walks through the kitchen and says, “No one spilled their milk outside.” Naturally, he had spilled his milk outside. He didn’t actually break any rules or disobey me, he just had an accident. That doesn’t bother me at all because it’s outside. Is it necessary for me to respond? I picked up his cup and put it with the dirty dishes. Obviously he felt bad for not being careful with the milk, thus his lie. If anything, that makes me wonder if I overreacted to accidents in the past. Does the situation require more from me?