CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend lives with two roommates and I live alone with my dog. She has raised the issue of spending most of our time at my house and wants a more equitable arrangement.
I completely understand and in normal circumstances it wouldn’t be an issue.
However, a few months ago, my girlfriend and I were out with her roommate when we decided to jump into an Uber. I wasn’t even adjusted in my seat before the roommate was a racist jerk toward the Uber driver. I interrupted and let him know he had two options: Zip it or get out of the car immediately. Yes, there was alcohol involved.
When I brought up the incident later with my girlfriend, to my surprise, she started making excuses for him, and tried to claim he was actually a “nice guy.” I explained I wasn’t willing to tolerate that behavior, and was uncomfortable being in her house while he was there.
At the time she said she understood, but she’s back pushing the equitable time between houses again. She said she’s starting to feel resentful of always having to come to my side of town.
Am I being unreasonable here? Do I suck it up and stay at her place, even with the crappy roommate?
— Uncomfortable
Whoa, whoa wait a minute. Why is the roommate the only person here who disgusts you? Why is your girlfriend off the hook?
Racism doesn’t remain entrenched for centuries without the inhumane work of people thinking and expressing racist thoughts, obviously. But no one gets away with spewing racist abuse for centuries without those handy roommates, bearing witness and still saying, “Aw, jeez, but he’s such a nice guy!”
Your girlfriend is a much bigger part of the problem than you’re taking responsibility for, which makes you part of the problem, too. Stop giving yourself a pass on giving her a pass: “I’m glad you’ve brought it up again. I’m still really disturbed that you defended your roommate after the way he treated the Uber driver. I was appalled. Somehow you weren’t. I am angry at myself for not addressing this sooner, for taking the path of least relationship resistance.”
You absolutely did the right thing in the moment by drawing a hard line with the roommate. History keeps proving, unfortunately, that it takes more than that. This is your chance to do more.