CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES
Dear Carolyn: My husband lost his job almost five months ago now. While I didn’t expect him to get a job right away, I did expect him to be getting some interviews. Nothing.
He admits he isn’t trying as hard as he could. He’s looking for the “right fit,” which I appreciate. However, I feel with the economic climate, his age, his field, he should just be looking for any job and then, once working again, keep looking for a job that rings all his bells. He agrees.
We have talked about it two or three times. He continues to say, “I need to do more,” but then I don’t see him doing more.
I’m not hovering or nagging — I’ve got my own work to do. He’s volunteering, has hobbies, and he’s picked up household chores I had been doing. My workload has actually been reduced since he’s been unemployed. However, I think if this continues it could trigger a deeper dive into depression, which he is prone to.
How do I support a job search without being a nag? I feel annoyed that he is prioritizing other things over finding a job.
— Not Hovering
Dear Not Hovering: One question: Do you need the money?
If not, then, maybe he’s found a happy place in his volunteering, hobbies, and chores. Looks pretty good to me, to be honest.
Maybe it does to you, too — meaning, you’d like to quit, too, and foresee feeling resentful if he gets to do so unilaterally while your job carries you both. If so, then you need to say so. But if your worry genuinely is his mental health, then that might be a problem he doesn’t need a job to solve.
Especially if you’re radiating pressure that could drag him down emotionally — saying his volunteering and chore-doing lack value.
If you do need the money, then grab a mental eraser and let’s start over: Square up, say you’re concerned about money, and want to make plans with him to address that. Open-minded.
Since some issues here still seem to need sorting out, start there — identify your concerns. Your finances, his health, your feelings? Then talk it through with him from there.
Readers’ thoughts:
“If your hubby is prone to depression and unemployed for several months, there’s a good chance he’s already there. Please consider some screening, counseling, etc.”
“Name the problem you see: “I do think this could trigger a deeper dive into depression, which you’re prone to.” Ask him what he thinks, and what steps he/you can take if things seem like they’re sliding that way. You are expressing annoyance but what your post shouts to me is fear.”
“If money isn’t a pressing problem, your role is to not dump your anxiety on your husband about him getting depressed, never getting a job, etc., while he is already shouldering the burden of fighting off his depression while looking for work. He is volunteering and relieving you of household work. That sounds like he is doing great in these circumstances.”
“I have been out of work for five months and it’s been the best possible thing for my mental health. I’m getting more sleep, getting more exercise, eating better. Please make sure you’re seeing how he’s really doing and not just through your own lens.”