CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: Over three years ago, my son was widowed. I moved in and helped care for my three grandchildren (8 to 14), kept the house, and basically enabled him to hold his life together.
Last year he started dating a nice woman and it was so great to see him happy again. She is 35, the youngest of a large family, and lived with her mother until her mother died shortly before she started dating my son. Because of this family dynamic, I assumed she would welcome my staying on after the marriage. They both work and I can help so much, especially after they possibly have a baby.
The wedding is months away and my son initiated a discussion about my finding a place of my own. I presented my case for staying on, but he said his fiancee is looking forward to running her own household after so many years living with her mother. I feel like I’m being punished for the sins of a dead woman. I want to love and welcome my new daughter-in-law into our family but it’s hard when she’s kicking me out.
Am I wrong to feel this way? How can I possibly look at it in a different light?
— Kicked To The Curb
Dear Kicked To The Curb: What you did for your son and grandchildren was heroic.
Dropping that blame bomb on your son’s fiancee is not.
Your son and his new wife absolutely, completely deserve space to create their own household. It has nothing to do with you personally.
And it’s as much your son’s choice as hers.
A woman who had not lived in a crowded household and not nursed her dying mother would reasonably ask this. If I were in her place, but coming from my own home after years of living alone, I would ask it.
You’re facing loss and upheaval, yes, and it hurts. I do sympathize. I’m arguing your son’s case so forcefully only to shine that “different light.”
So do not damage your relationship with this couple with your wounded feelings. Find someone outside the family to talk to — a therapist, ideally, or a friend you can trust not to stoke your grievances. Someone who loves you but also understands the couple’s wishes is best equipped to guide you.
Remember, too, that two mothers’ deaths, a wife’s death, grieving children, a new marriage, and people in new roles as stepparent and stepchildren is a ton to navigate already. They need allies right now.
If you’re truly seeking other perspectives, not just validation, then you’re halfway there. Now tell your son you’re sorry you pushed back — if you can mean it — and you stand ready to welcome his bride and still help from wherever you land.
Practice saying it till it flows. It is your way into this family, not out. Readers’ thoughts:
“With her own abode, Grandma would be able to provide a welcoming space for her grandchildren if there is a bumpy transition with the new stepmother.”
“Don’t focus only on what you will be “giving up,” focus on the new life opening up for you. You and your new daughter-inlaw have something in common, you have both devoted your lives to the service of others — but you’re now getting a chance to live on your own terms.”