California, let’s give thanks to America

Thank you, America, for always keeping California in your thoughts. Now it’s that time of the year when we should give thanks for the only California real estate that’s still cheap — all that space that we’re occupying, rent free, in the heads of our fellow Americans.

It’s amazing how top of mind California is across these United States. I recently visited that glorious cradle of American ideas, the great state that used to be called Virginia. Now, it’s known as California East. That, at least, is what Virginia’s newly elected governor, Glenn Youngkin, and his supporters call it. “In a few short years, Virginia has become California East. It happened quickly,” Youngkin warned in stump speeches. You might think this was criticism, coming from a Republican denouncing “the progressive agenda.” But when his allies listed the policies turning the Old Dominion into California East, it read like a Golden State advertisement: stronger clean air laws, legal marijuana, and sending a ballot in the mail to every voter.

“California East” isn’t a Virginia creation. Political leaders in Nevada and Arizona have used the phrase to warn about the perils of Californians moving in. But can you blame them? We Californians are so good-looking that you don’t want to look directly at us — lest ye be blinded.

Sometimes, though, obsession with California can get a little scary. Texas talks about us so constantly that, if it weren’t for the physical separation provided by Arizona and New Mexico, California might have to get a restraining order.

Texans like to pretend that they don’t want California influences around — they even had these great T-shirts made that say, “Don’t California My Texas.” But, in reality, they brag whenever Californians relocate themselves and their California values to the Lone Star State. Texas is now home to 40 different InN-Out Burger locations, Elon Musk, and an electric grid even more decrepit than ours.

Lately, I’ve noticed Iowa and other pork-producing states have rivaled Texas in their fixation on California. Iowa Sen. Joni Ernst can’t stop talking about a supposed California ban on bacon. “We thought we’ve seen it all from the radical left … but this takes it to a whole new level: banning bacon? No way, folks,” Ernst said.

This worried me at first, because I love bacon. So, to investigate the salt-cured delicacy’s availability and legal status, I ignored my wife’s dietary advice just this once and bought a bacon-wrapped hot dog from an L.A. food vendor.

The bacon was genuine. California hasn’t banned anything. Iowans are just hog-tied that we just won’t let them sell its pork products here until they start complying with our more animal-friendly laws on pig confinement. So, the 3.2 million human Iowans may whine a little, but Iowa’s 23.8 million hogs and pigs should love us!

Here’s the truth about what lies in the hearts of Iowans, Texans, Virginians, and others who just can’t get California off the brain: Almost all their criticisms of us are really compliments — love, even — disguised in the idioms of good, God-fearing Americans.

So, Californians, don’t lose your cool if a relative tries to bait you at holiday dinner. Instead, use my handy California hate/love translator to understand what your family member is actually trying to say:

■ “You’ll let anyone vote, you fraudsters” means “I’m awed by your state’s commitment to democracy.”

■ “You guys love illegals and open borders” means “I admire your desire to keep immigrant families together.”

■ “You’re welfare queens” means “I love how California led on Medicaid expansion.”

■ “Your environmental regulations are out of control” means “Thank you for saving the planet so we don’t have to.”

That said, don’t let all this praise go to your head. We Californians need to admit to ourselves that we’re not really the unstoppable, progressive colossus that other Americans imagine us to be. Our homelessness is even worse than it looks. PG&E is an unrepentant killer. Our cost of living is crushing. So is business regulation. And our schools, gutted by pandemic closures, really should teach critical race theory — so they can at least say that they are teaching anything at all.

So, my fellow Californians, stay humble as the pie you’re eating as you travel the country this holiday season. Don’t brag about our world-beating economic growth, or the sharp decline in our poverty rates. Resist the temptation to mention the long history of would-be American leaders bashing California — I’m looking at you Mitt Romney — even as they buy residences here.

Instead, let yourself savor all the California love you receive, in whatever form you receive it. And give thanks for all the Americans who won’t stop talking about our state. Because California couldn’t afford all this promotion itself, even with a $31 billion budget surplus.

Happy Thanksgiving, California East ... oops, I mean, America!