DEAR PRUDENCE
JENÉE DESMOND-HARRIS WITH ADVICE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AT HOME, WORK & BEYOND
Dear Prudence: I hate gifts. I hate getting them, I hate giving them. I hate making lists of what I want, I hate wrapping. I just can’t look convincingly excited when I get something I don’t want.
I have extremely particular tastes that most people can’t figure out, I hate waste/junk, and there has been more than one time when I haven’t gotten something on my list and it’s been sold out by the time I could get it. I’d just rather buy most of the stuff I’ve wanted.
Luckily, my husband is really good about figuring out one or two things to get me when appropriate, and that is absolutely fine with me. My husband also lets my kids make “coupon” books instead of getting me gifts. The coupons are for things I actually need help with, and it’s honestly really, really, great.
The problem is, I keep hearing mothers complain when they get their own coupons. My kids are very young, but I’m worried that we are instilling in them a sense of giving that is not really compatible with larger societal values and that this is going to be harder for them down the road.
Should my husband and I start considering helping our kids develop more mainstream skills around picking and giving gifts? My husband loves getting gifts from his list, so my kids have some rubric to get things for him. He, however, likes to get stuff we can all do together as a family, which I think is very different from the individualized gifting experience of other households. Do you have any advice?
— Gifting Woes
Dear Gifting Woes: You’re giving your kids the skill of giving people what they actually want or need, not what you want to have or what society says they should have.
The fact that other mothers complain about coupons doesn’t mean coupons are crappy gifts — it means their families are not paying attention to what will actually make them happy. That’s not your problem.
Plus, your kids surely understand that your husband gets things that he wants from his list and you take their preferences into consideration when buying for them.
You’re doing great.