CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Hi, Carolyn: I like most everything about myself except for one (pretty big) thing. I have an envy problem. I’m super happy for my friends when they get something they want or have worked for ... unless it’s something I want and have worked for and still don’t have. I think I do a decent job of keeping it inside, and I always put on a happy face — but I feel like a bad person for feeling this way.

Not only that, it just doesn’t feel good to feel this way! Any tips on how to be genuinely happy for others, when it doesn’t come naturally?

— Envy

Dear Envy: This is not a “tips”-size issue. So I’m with you on the “(pretty big).” Good for you for admitting that.

It’s still solvable, though — not to mention so worth solving that it might be the hard work you thank yourself hardest for later in life.

All solutions start with correctly identifying the problem, and in this case the envy is only a symptom. It’s the surface manifestation of a larger problem of, I suspect from your letter, living in service of generally surface-level acquisition instead of deeper service to values, purpose and self.

If what you “want,” “worked for” and still “don’t have” are all in the Inner Peace aisle, then I’ll stand corrected and write you a new answer.

But the kind of wanting/working/having you imply, with an envy component, usually means we’re in the realm of resume-type achievement. And while that has its place — I am writing this neither from a yurt nor solely from the goodness of my heart — it doesn’t stand alone as a way to feel good about your and others’ lives, for most of us at least.

So I think your envy flashes are your values system alerting you that it would feel better if you let it do more than just chase the next thing.

Maybe it wants to feel more spiritually rewarded by what it does for pay, or what it does in the free time enabled by that pay. Maybe it wants friends who are a little more connected to a satisfying purpose themselves. Maybe it wants you to get off the Milestone Railroad (“Next stop, Engagement Party”) and start plotting your own itinerary. Maybe it just wants to enjoy its time at work more; don’t knock simplicity. Maybe it’s feeling a little fuzzy on who it really is.

This is the hard work I’m talking about. It’s tough to uncouple your want/work/ have system from everyone and everything except your own morality, purpose and mental health. It takes courage to venture into unwelcome self-honesty and uncomfortable changes.

It’s tough to admit you can be competitive and petty. But if the life you’re living is right for you, and the purpose you’re serving is right for you, and the repository for your skills is right for you, then being happy for others is easy. -er. (No saints here.)

The reverse is true as well, that when you and your choices and your sense of greater purpose are out of alignment, that’s when joy starts to feel like a scarce commodity for which everyone you know just jumped the line.

In fact, that’s so typical a sensation that envy works well as a personal signal for when you’ve lost sight of what counts. Whenever you feel it, take it as a reminder to re-center yourself by asking, “Why did I make these choices I’ve made?”

If the answer isn’t some blend of necessity and lasting fulfillment — not with the goal itself, but with the reasoning and ritual of working toward it, and the quality of the people in your orbit — then nudge yourself toward that instead.