CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED
I think my girlfriend of several years is on the verge of forgetting about my birthday Saturday.
Dear Carolyn:
Either she is James Bond with the smokescreen she is putting up to surprise me or she’s making outside plans without me that day.
Our relationship is otherwise solid, so there is no angsty punishment going on. For better or worse, she is pretty self-focused, so forgetting my birthday would not be out of character, and COVID isolation has strained her social relationships, so she’s been wanting to “get out” more, such as she can, so her making plans is also not unusual. These are parts of her personality I’ve accepted. She also is a horrible liar, so the James Bond scenario seems unlikely.
So, I’m wondering, at this point, is it better to let things play out on the off chance there is a surprise in the works? The worst case here is that she enjoys the weekend, then feels bad when she realizes her oversight. That feels passive-aggressive, but playing out other scenarios in my mind, it seems like the best case. Worst cases are me ruining a surprise, her not enjoying her chance to get out because she feels bad, or both of us not enjoying a hastily pulled together plan that rests on something she feels bad about. — Birthday Person
Dear Birthday Person: Omg.
For the love of all that is holy, uncouple birthday recognition from happiness. Nobody wins with that coupling, not even 7-year-olds.
Birthday acknowledgment is useful only as a window into the workings of a relationship. If they’re fine, then missing a birthday is fine — and if they’re not, then it’s not. Embrace that and feel the weight just float away.
Then figure out what you want to do for your birthday, and suggest it to your girlfriend. Waiting to see if she forgets only sets you both up to fail.
If you’re worried about foiling some plan, then don’t be, because 90% of them get foiled anyway. But if it makes you feel better, make your suggestion by text so she has time to cover for anything that needs covering for.
Readers’ thoughts:
“Friend, you gotta pipe up. You can say, in a pleasant way, “Hey babe, did you know that Saturday is the 4th, ya know, my birthday? I was hoping to XYZ with you that day.” I would be horrified if my girlfriend sat silently by while I was the knucklehead that absent-mindedly went about my business on her birthday.”
“Seriously, use your grown-up voice and own your day. Speak up or at least collaborate on fun plans — which can be reciprocated for your girlfriend’s next birthday. No one needs the pressure of having to read your mind. If your girlfriend is focused or distracted for good reasons, then what point are you making to see if she forgets your birthday? Seems kinda crappy to do that to a partner.”
“That’s because it IS passive-aggressive, Birthday Person. Seriously. Remembering or failing to remember your birthday is not indicative of love for you or lack thereof.”