DEAR PRUDENCE
Dear Prudence: I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, Toby. Our relationship is without a doubt the healthiest I’ve ever had in my life (platonic or romantic). Kind, intimate, passionate, supportive, communicative and forgiving are all words that describe us. We are best friends, and above all, we are a team. His actions show he loves me. He goes out of his way every day to show how much he appreciates me. I came from an abusive, cloistered background. I do not ever take Toby’s love for granted.
Now here comes the hitch in this fairy tale. Toby has a job that necessitates that he move to a new area of the country if he wants a promotion. This is his dream job, and I am extremely happy for him. However, I am beside myself as to what I should do. To say I adore my home state is an understatement. I have been here my whole life. I feel a deep sense of familial heritage and belonging here. Frankly put, I absolutely do not want to move. Every time I think about this, it makes me sick. It feels like losing a part of myself. On the other hand, the idea of leaving my partner also makes me sick. I know a relationship like this is not easily replaced and I wouldn’t want it to be. We are truly compatible in every part of our lives except this.
— Gift of the Magi
Dear Gift of the Magi: The trouble with loving other people is they have their own plans and ideas and wants and desires. It’s adorable but bothersome. So, I empathize with your dilemma. If you’re so deeply opposed to moving, you can try long-distance but it will inevitably bring up the question of how long this long-distance is supposed to be. Have you talked with him at length about your concerns and his plan? If not, definitely do that, first even. He may have a solution that works for both of you. And if he doesn’t, ask Toby if he’s willing to wait to see if a promotion that would keep him local comes along. Maybe this isn’t a possibility in his field, but if you don’t know, it pays to ask.
It’s not fair to ask him to defer his career to stay with you, but it may be something he’s more than willing to do. Making a relationship work long-term always involves shifting priorities and making choices. To that end, the other thing you should do is visit this new state Toby would be moving to. If you hate it, you hate it. But you owe it to yourself to see if you can actually be happy elsewhere, if only temporarily.