CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES

Dear Carolyn:

What can you do if you are that jealous, overbearing mate — and you recognize it, and want to stop?

Hearing about my girlfriend hanging out with other guys just as friends makes me freak out internally and, as much as I try to keep that internal, it sometimes gets out.

Beyond counseling (which I definitely think is a good idea), what can I do to stop myself from worrying that, even if she’s not cheating, she’s just one super-funny cute guy away from hitting the road?

— San Francisco

Dear San Francisco: Are you just one super-funny cute girl away from hitting the road? If not, then why question her commitment but not your own?

And if so, then why do you have a girlfriend, both in general and this one specifically? Have all girlfriends brought out this jealousy?

Either way, which one scares you here: her cheating, leaving you, or both? Is it humiliation you fear? Loss? Both?

Do you think limited exposure to other men is what keeps women faithful? If only ignorance kept her around, would you feel loved? What do you think will happen if she leaves or cheats — that you will heal eventually, or won’t?

If you anticipate never healing, would you attribute it to her mistreatment, or to emotional limitations that would prevent you from enjoying single life?

Would you never trust anyone again? Would only women be suspect?

Can you envision being better off without a girlfriend who would dump you for the first available super-funny cute guy?

Can you envision a future that’s better for your having suffered?

Do you think your girlfriend thinks about these things, too? Isn’t it possible you’ll lose interest/fall for someone else/make a stupid mistake? What is it that makes you “safe” but her such a risk?

Is it just that you know your own mind but can’t possibly know hers?

And if that’s true, isn’t she (or anyone else who loves someone) in the exact same position as you? And if that’s true, why isn’t everyone jealous?

By letting things run their course, and trusting yourself to handle whatever happens, what do you have to lose? Be specific. Make a list even. If you don’t think that works, what do you think others do to stay emotionally in balance?

Almost daily, I advise introspection — to know your own mind, and to open your mind to the ways other people think, feel and behave. This time I’ve typed out a recipe. Put in mental oven, and bake.

Dear Carolyn: What does it mean when

your boyfriend of two years forgets that he made plans with you, and his female roommate asks him to take her car-shopping, and he makes plans to do that, and then once he realizes the mistake he doesn’t apologize or cancel with his roommate?

— Really Upset Dear Really Upset: It means he wanted to go car-shopping with his roommate more than he wanted to go where he was supposed to with you. Whether he preferred cars to your activity, or prefers his roommate to you, is something to sort out with him. We spend so much time trying to interpret — understandably, makes us feel like we’re doing something. It’s also a cop-out. Face what you know, and ask to hear the rest.