CAROLYN HAX
Dear Carolyn: My husband’s sister is very abusive to my husband, yelling at him and speaking down to him and blaming him for everything that goes wrong in her life.
She has no respect for him at all and expects him to drop what he is doing and cater to her. He is a kind person and doesn’t stand up to her. He says it’s easier for him to just take her abuse and do what she wants rather than battle with her or even speak up for himself. I think this has been a pattern all their lives. I have watched this for the 10 years we’ve been married and it’s only gotten worse. She sometimes gets in his face and yells at him at the top of her lungs right in front of me. The issues she yells at him about are small, like leaving something out of place or not doing a chore exactly the way she wants him to.
For his sake I have not interfered other than to leave the room. But I find I can’t take it anymore.
Do I have the right as a wife to tell her she is no longer allowed to speak to my husband that way, or does a sister have more of a right than a wife? I want to establish ground rules with her even if my husband won’t.
— Fed Up
Dear Fed Up: The question is whether the victim has more of a right than a bystander. Your husband is the one she attacks, so, yes, he has more say than you do in how the two of you choose to handle this situation.
Plus, she’s his sister; the direct relative gets the first word there as well.
However: You are a member of the marriage her yelling affects, and the household her yelling disrupts. You do have standing to set limits if your husband refuses to do it. Call it oh-hell-no power.
As with any preference you have that runs counter to what your spouse would want, it will turn out better if you discuss it as equals first and give each other room to be heard. You don’t want to add this to his conflict-avoidant to-do list; I can easily see him assuming the burden of your feelings and not vice versa.
An example of such a conversation might be: “I understand this is your sister and absorbing her abuse seems like the easier choice for you. However, it hurts me, too, to see you suffer. And her tirades ruin gatherings for me, occur on my time, happen in my home, and insult my family.
“I’ve kept my mouth shut. But I’m done, and ready to absorb the consequences of standing up to her. I respect that you may feel differently so I am talking to you first.”
This allows him to give you his blessing, or pledge to stand up to her first, or work with you on an alternative. Maybe he’d rather just release you from any obligation to spend time with her ever again.
Supportive, cooperative couples find their ways; just about any of them will do except for your joining his sister in drowning out his voice.
Because you two are all that matter here. Your love, your respect, your home and family environment. Both of you are responsible for leaving his family dysfunction far enough behind to give each other equal say in the life you share.