DEAR PRUDENCE

Dear Prudence: I’m experiencing karma in action, and while I would have expected to feel smug, I

don’t. The father of my children left when they were toddlers, and we would go years at a time without hearing from him, a problem exacerbated by alcohol. He occasionally paid small amounts of child support, but was frequently unemployed. Money was very tight and I had to ask my family for help, but both kids are now successfully launched in their early 20s.

I recently found out that their father was actually not unemployed: he was working under the table for a friend’s business to avoid wage garnishment. An IRS audit turned up fraud and embezzlement and his special arrangement at the business, and he was involved enough to be charged alongside other upper-level people.

I don’t know how to tell my kids, and I don’t want them to find out from a random headline, especially because he apparently went to great lengths just to avoid financial contribution to their childhoods. I also don’t know how to feel: I mostly got by on the belief that he was a screw-up, and missing out on his children because he couldn’t keep it together, but now I know he was intentionally depriving them for years, and making my life really hard in the process. I should feel happy he’s getting “in trouble” after a lifetime of selfish behavior, but I just feel sad and angry. What do I do?

— No Karmic Relief

Dear No Karmic Relief: Revenge is often not sweet, and comeuppance can feel like it came too late. Your feelings here are valid; while the criminal justice system is dealing with your ex, it doesn’t change the pain you experienced. If anything, this process is probably bringing up old hurt and it sounds like you’re grieving what could have been had he not been a fraudster.

So, feel how you feel, talk to a trusted friend or a therapist about it so that these feelings don’t just swirl around inside you. And consider telling your children the facts that they are likely to encounter in a headline as simple information, rather than a reframing of their childhood.

They may put the pieces together that you all could have struggled less if he hadn’t been dishonest. But chances are, they’re already aware of his lack of contribution and its negative effect. It may make them feel worse to know that he could have contributed and didn’t, or it may not.

They will have to go on their own journeys to deal with this, but you don’t have to carry the burden of hiding this part of the truth from them.