DEAR PRUDENCE
Q. Dreading Thanksgiving: I’ve been struggling with my relationship with my sister for some time. Five years ago, she asked me to loan her $5,000. She believed her spouse was cheating on her, and I fully believe he was. When she confronted him, he refused to fess up. She had been breaking into his email and accounts to try to find evidence of his wrongdoing. She asked to borrow the money to install hidden surveillance in her home to gather evidence of his infidelity. I was in between jobs at the time and had not secured a new position. Meanwhile, I was also moving from one very expensive city to another and felt cash poor at the time. When I shared this, she told me I could just put the $5,000 on my credit card. I didn’t think this was wise on multiple fronts, I didn’t feel I was in a position to be loaning money when I was without a job. Plus, I also struggled with the idea of my sister invading her husband’s privacy in their home and the potential legalities of this, even if he’s up to no good. In the end, I spent all the cash in my accounts and maxed out my credit card before I received a paycheck so I felt I was justified in being cautious about loaning such a large sum when I was unemployed.
Since that time, my sister has completely distanced herself from me. Each time I am around her, she does something cruel to me or humiliates me in front of others. I think she views this as justified since I didn’t help her in a time of need. While she’s been confronted after each instance, her behavior persists. She has invited my family to have Thanksgiving at her home. I have no desire to go and be treated poorly again. Am I wrong in declining to travel to her home for Thanksgiving or should I just buck up and be subjected to her poor treatment of me again for the sake of the family?
A: We have a little over a month before Thanksgiving, and, depending on where you each live, maybe a week or two before you need to book travel. Over the next few days, before you make your decision, do you feel up to having a talk with your sister? If so, give her a call or send a text or email.
You can say something like this: “Hi Sister. Thanks for the invitation to Thanksgiving. I’m on the fence about coming because of the way you’ve treated me since I said no to loaning you $5,000. [Insert concrete examples]. My feelings have been really hurt and I’ve been humiliated in front of others. I want to know if we can clear the air between us before I come so that we don’t have these types of interactions. We don’t have to agree about the money, and if you are still disappointed in me over that I understand. If you think I wasn’t there for you, it makes sense to be hurt.”