CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED SET OF VALUES
Dear Carolyn: When your whole life is blowing up, and your wonderful friends keep saying some version of, “What do you need?” but you don’t have any good answer, what do you do? I know you’ve written before how that question can actually be more burdensome than helpful. But we live in a world where people aren’t socialized to just show up with a meal or flowers or a box of tissues and an hour to listen, and instead show their concern by just offering nebulous “help.” I’m exhausted by saying “I don’t know” — which is the truth, or at least allows me to avoid the deep discomfort of directing the ways in which people are generous.
But I also hate that that means people get tired of asking and just go quiet. This feels like just another unsolvable problem, and in the meantime I’m hurting so badly and don’t feel supported. What do I do?
— Please Just Show Up
Dear Please Just Show Up: I’m sorry about the blowup, and hope things settle down soon.
There is a way you can respond to friends that falls somewhere between “I don’t know” and “When you’re at the store next, I could use some organic bananas” — and unsurprisingly, it’s just telling the truth. (A little more bluntly than usual, perhaps.) “Yes, I would love help — I just don’t know what to say.”
This has a lot of useful things going on in some really simple words:
■ It says, “Help me,” the most important thing.
■ It suggests thinking of something is a way they can help you.
■ It leads your friends right to the edge of the water of helpfulness, providing them a gentle opening to say, “Hmm ... would it help if I ran your errands/bought you dinner/ stopped by?”
■ And if they just stand there at the water’s edge steadfastly not understanding they’re supposed to drink the water of helpfulness, it still leaves you room to say, “So if you think of anything, don’t be shy!” Or, “You’ve helped by caring, thank you.” Or, this is not as twisted as it sounds, offer them what you want: “If you have a few minutes, you can let me buy you coffee.”
■ It allows for prepared, stock answers so you can conserve precious mental energy. You know it’s coming, so think up one response that isn’t awkward for you.
■ It allows you to be a socializing force for these friends. That’s not your job, of course, but you’d be doing it incidentally in the act of taking care of yourself. Win-win.
■ But if you feel up to taking a more active role: “I do need help, but I’m not comfortable specifying one thing or the other.” It’s a brave invitation to deepen your friendships.
All of this, again, starts with a simple answer that doesn’t ask any extra of you: “All help welcome — I just don’t know what to say.”
If even that feels grabby, then you can do much with minimal effort by appointing a spokesfriend. Choose the most wonderful one, and explain your very valid predicament as you did here, and ask if they’re willing to notify/organize your mutual friends.
Chances are, they are willing. We’ve both typed a lot about nebulous offers but not about how genuine they tend to be.
Finding the least taxing way to activate your inner circle could gratify — and edify — all involved, and restore a sense of control over your own well-being.