DEAR PRUDENCE
WITH ADVICE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AT HOME, WORK & BEYOND
Dear Prudence: I am very close to my niece and visit her and her three children at least once a week.
She is a single mother and relies on my help with her children for outings, babysitting, etc. One of the children is severely autistic and she cannot take all three children out by herself as a result. The children are very poorly behaved. As they get older, the behavior is getting worse as bad behavior results in getting their way. I try my best to say nothing and allow her to parent her children as she sees fit, but sometimes the behavior is too much and I step in and put a stop to the tantrum, etc. The children generally stop their behavior when I step in as they know that my rules are quite different, even when Mom is around. I hate being the bad guy, but I hate the screaming/crying more.
I have mentioned to my niece that I find their behavior unacceptable and have reduced the number of times I say yes when asked to help. She does have a village supporting her (and she needs the support) but frankly, we are all getting fed up with the situation. Many of the behaviors could be managed if she were to follow through with consequences. I do not want to lose the relationship with my niece, but find more and more that I dread spending time with the children. I do love the children but not their behavior. Should I have “the talk” with her and withdraw completely, knowing that she will suffer without my support or do I keep trying to shut up and put up for the sake of maintaining the relationship?
— Biting My Tongue
Dear Biting My Tongue: But ... if your magical tactics cause them to stop acting up as soon as you step in, why is it so exhausting to care for them? The point I’m trying to make is that it’s not that easy. I simply don’t agree that the behaviors could easily be changed if your niece would simply follow through with consequences. Behavior issues like the ones you’re describing do not have an easy fix, especially when you’re a mom who’s stretched incredibly thin.
Child care that comes with a “You have to change your parenting style” ultimatum is not what this woman needs. If you’re dreading your time with the kids, you might not be who they need either. The frustration in your letter feels like a sign to take a big step back — after giving your niece some warning so that she can arrange for other help. Maybe one day a week is all you can handle. Whatever you can offer with love and without judgment and frustration is what will actually be helpful to this family and what you should offer going forward.