DEAR PRUDENCE

WITH ADVICE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AT HOME, WORK & BEYOND

Dear Prudence:

A cousin of mine recently died abruptly at the age of 40.

We were only a few years apart in age, and although we weren’t close, we grew up in the same small town and had a few friends in common as kids. Her immediate family did not share the cause of death publicly and only shared with my family that she had become abruptly ill before she died. It’s not inconceivable that she may have overdosed on drugs either accidentally or on purpose. In the often small-minded community that we are from, either could be cause for scorn, so I don’t blame the family for being tight-lipped about it.

However, it’s really hard to find closure without knowing what happened, and having been “protected” from family truths as a child, I am sensitive about the possibility of finding out from the rumor mill instead. The other cousin I asked didn’t know anything more than I do, and I don’t want to poke the fresh wound of my cousin’s immediate family. Our state even seals death certificates, so I wouldn’t be able to look it up for 25 years.

How should I proceed? Ask a mutual acquaintance at the risk of spurring the rumor mill? Or just let it go?

— Caught in the Act

Dear Caught in the Act: I totally, totally understand being curious about this. As a nosy person myself, I get it. But it sounds like you simply weren’t close enough to your cousin to receive this information. Most of your connection to her was based on living in the same town and having friends in common. You weren’t in the loop about her illness, and you weren’t on whatever text messages went out with all the details.

These are all strong indicators that you are not an insider in this situation. You know exactly as much as her loved ones want people who aren’t in their inner circle to know, and I think the right thing to do is to respect that and try to make peace with having some open questions. Tell yourself that whatever rumors you hear may or may not be correct, and that the right way to honor your cousin’s memory is not to search for medical details but to reflect on what you remember about the person she was and to grieve how sad it is that her life was, for whatever reason, cut short.

This might also be a moment to reflect on your connections with family members and whether you want to nurture them more. For example, if you’re currently Facebook friends with a relative whose cause of death you would feel desperate to know, get in touch and hear about their life when they’re actually living it.