DEAR PRUDENCE

Dear Prudence: My partner and I live on the first floor of a threefamily house that is split into three apartments. Two girls around our age (mid-late 20s) live on the second floor. One girl has a boyfriend who comes over frequently, and very often (probably every other day) they have screaming fights so loud that we can often hear bits of what they’re saying through the ceiling/floor (she often expresses that the boyfriend doesn’t listen, needs therapy, doesn’t do anything right). Sometimes this is followed by vigorous sex; other times it’s followed by loud sobbing. Sometimes during the fights we also hear thumps/thuds but it’s hard to tell if those noises are violent or if they’re just stomping/normal moving-around sounds that seem louder since they’re above us. It’s mildly disruptive to us, but we’re also concerned about the girl given the amount of screaming/ crying/thudding.

We don’t know them personally as we moved in not long ago and are super COVID-cautious, whereas upstairs often hosts large, loud parties where someone is always coughing, so not only are they strangers but we’re not actually sure which one is in the relationship. It feels like maybe it’s not our place to be like, “hey, are you okay? We hear a lot of troubling stuff downstairs!” and I don’t want to embarrass her. Furthermore, for all we know SHE could be the problem and the one possibly throwing things around/acting unreasonably. What’s the right thing to do here?

— Downstairs Dilemma Dear Downstairs Dilemma: You’ll have to put a little work into developing a neighborly relationship with her. If you don’t have natural opportunities to chat— like when you’re in the laundry room together or while you’re both out walking your dogs you’ll have to create one.

Step 1: Make contact: You can go the traditional route and bake something and drop it in front of the door with a note with your phone number asking her to text you when she’s done with the Tupperware (now you have a way to contact her!) Or you can go up and knock with a wifi-related query, or a request to borrow an egg, or a phone charger, or a dishwasher detergent tablet, or whatever. Again, find a way to get her number.

Step 2: Make friendly conversation: “Do you know if they’re going to collect the trash on President’s Day?” “FYI we’ll be out of town. If a box comes in and it isn’t too heavy, could you put it in front of our door? “We have leftover birthday cake, would you like some?” “If you hear a lot of noise down here, we’re hanging a painting.” etc.

Step 3: Offer support: “Hey, I hope this is not too invasive. We heard an argument last night and I just wanted to let you know that if things ever get heated and you need to take some space or need a safe place to be, our door is open and you can come down any time. Or if you need to talk, we’re here.”