CAROLYN HAX
ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED
Last week, we (me, husband, 4-year-old daughter) visited my stepson, 27, and his fiancé a few hours away. While we were out to eat, we ran into one of my stepson’s colleagues. When he made the introductions, he said, “This is my dad Harry, his wife Amy and their daughter Ashley.”
It stings a little that I’m just his dad’s wife, but I didn’t enter his life until he was a senior in high school, so I’m not really surprised. It hurts A LOT that our daughter isn’t his sister, or even his half sister, but just “their daughter.” I blanched in the moment, and my husband squeezed my hand. I don’t think my stepson noticed.
Part of the reason it hurts is that I very much wanted a second child but won’t have another for a whole host of practical reasons. I assuaged my guilt about having only one child by believing she has a sibling, but apparently, the sibling disagrees.
How do I handle this? Do I say something to him? Ask my husband to say something? Do things to foster a sibling relationship?
— What’s In A Name?
Dear What’s In A Name?: The reality is your daughter has a sibling, yes. (Ouch.) But commandeering that reality to help you feel better ignores another reality: You don’t get to co-opt other people’s lives to fix your feelings. Your stepson’s time and loyalties aren’t in a grab-and-go case for your convenience.
This is aside from the fact that a brother who is 23 years older and lives hours away and (I’m guessing) never shared a home with your daughter couldn’t conceivably serve the day-to-day emotional-training role you seem to have in mind. And that being in her life as, to his mind, an obligation could hurt her more than it helps.
You say you want the two to connect in the context of feeling bad about an “only” child — but you have those only-child-like conditions in your household regardless, even if bro agrees to be 100 percent on board with the idea of a sibling bond.
Which brings us to a third reality that could be the central argument, except that it was easier for me to construct things this way: An only child is not something to feel guilty about!
It is not a disservice to your daughter.
It is not dooming her to loneliness. Not getting along with siblings is lonely, too, just with no privacy; does that mean parents who have a second kid should feel guiltier?
It is not stunting her emotional growth or guaranteeing she won’t learn to share or whatever other unfair only-child tropes have lodged themselves in your mind.
Getting along with sibs is a skill. Being comfortable alone is a skill. Making friends outside the home is a skill. Entertaining oneself is a skill. There’s no one childhood configuration that is the perfect setup for mastering all the skills. Loving parents are better parents.
Now — do you still want a stronger relationship with your stepson? For its own sake, and not some ulterior parenting goal? Then, great, make the effort. Whether he reciprocates is up to him, so don’t saddle the effort with any expectations, but otherwise, why not? Friendly overtures rarely turn up on lists of regrets.
Besides, your best chance for the kind of family experience you want may lie in the maybe possibly emerging promise of muchcloser-to-the-right-age nieces or nephews. Which, nope, you can do nothing about — except be flexible about life as it comes.