CAROLYN HAX

ADVICE WITH ATTITUDE & A GROUNDED

Dear Carolyn: My mom calls almost daily and talks about nothing for 30

to 45 minutes. Not only do I hate to talk on the phone, which she knows, I am often exhausted from a demanding job and just want to zone out watching TV. If I’m not zoning out, I’m running errands, washing dishes, walking my dog, etc. Calls are a demand on my time and energy that I just can’t afford most days. However, if I don’t answer or call her back soon, I feel incredibly guilty. We live in the same city and do see each other fairly often. How do I resolve this? — Exhausted

Dear Exhausted: If I advised you to make up rules for yourself that were unpleasant to live by, and then to force yourself to live by them, I think you would think I was nuts.

But that’s exactly what you’re doing. Your mother hasn’t insisted or even asked that you take all her calls. (Not that that would be binding.) You’ve just decided you have to and you’re doing it, even though you find it stressful and disempowering.

You are in control of your life. So you can choose between talking to your mom on your terms or giving yourself entirely over to hers.

There are kind ways to set your terms and then live by them. You can let a call go unanswered, and then text back: “Hey, Mom! I’ll call you [day] at [time].” No apologies or explainies, just indicate using your natural endearments that you value her and will talk to her soon. You’ve already told her you don’t like phones.

You are not a bad person for doing this! You are just a person. You decide how you allot your time. If it’s urgent, then she can say so.

A world where “Hey, Mom, love you, talk tomorrow” is something to feel guilty

SET OF VALUES

about is a world in need of some tasteful upgrades.

Re Lengthy Calls: It might be helpful to make a standing date to talk to your mom at whatever interval feels okay to you. “Mom, I can’t talk every night, so let’s set a chat date for Sunday afternoons at 2; I’ll have a half-hour then.” Don’t be drawn in about reasons. Then when she calls you, text back: “can’t talk, looking forward to talking with you Sunday.” — Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: In this case, shorter and more frequent intervals might make sense, as might pairing it with dish duty, since Mom’s doing most of the talking — but, in general, yes. Thanks.

More readers’ thoughts:

“You keep answering her calls; maybe she thinks you enjoy them and so she keeps calling to make you happy.”

“When you let someone annoy you, you are doing a disservice to THEM. They are unknowingly damaging a relationship they value. The kind thing to do is to preserve the relationship by keeping it one that you want to be in.”

“I have someone like that. I only accept or return calls once or twice a week, and while he’s talking, I play a game on my phone. His “conversations” are largely one-sided; he doesn’t have a lot of close friends right now, and I feel like it’s important to give him this. But I choose the timing.”

“I called my mom first thing every day. Then it was easy to end the call — time to go to work, kids are off to school, partner needs help, whatever.”