CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: Is it unreasonable of me to want my spouse to congratulate me? When I retired, I started writing and have now published three books and several magazine articles. While I’m far from a bestseller, my spouse has never said anything positive. Some kind of recognition would be nice. Am I being unreasonable?

— Author

Dear Author: The problem lies almost as much in your asking me as it does in your spouse’s silence.

Let’s back all the way up for a sec, to the beginning: What did you say to your spouse about the nonresponse when you published your first book?

First! Book! I mean, newspaper writers write a lot of books — so I know writers of big, little, multiple and best-selling books. And every time it’s a Big Deal. Therefore, a notable thing happened to launch your writing career — and a notable thing did not happen in your marriage in response.

Yet we are talking about it now as if you haven’t broached the subject. So I am wondering what you said or did when you first witnessed the yawning void where a loved one’s normal supportive gestures would have been. If you’ve poked and nudged around the subject hoping your spouse would volunteer … something — we’re long past treating this as a narrowly defined spousal failure to take you out to a celebratory dinner.

Because what you’re telling me here is the time between now and your last real conversation with your spouse can be measured in book publications. It has been at least three book publications since you and your spouse last told each other the truth. Please give that idea careful thought. Then invite your spouse to talk. Really talk. And listen. Congratulations, by the way, and good luck.

Dear Carolyn: My sister “Wendy” has always been the “marches to her own drummer” sibling. She’s smart, has a terrific job, a loving family, etc., but has always seemed a little out of step with the rest of the world.

Several years ago, “Liz” — another sister — took me aside and said she and her husband had started to think Wendy was somewhere on the autism spectrum. I felt a lot of Wendy-related things immediately click into place and make sense.

Liz feels very strongly that we should say and do NOTHING. My feeling is equally strong in the other direction. I have two dear school friends who weren’t diagnosed with autism until their 50s. Both shared with me their enormous sense of relief and self-acceptance. I have even suggested we share our thoughts with Wendy’s husband and allow him to raise the subject. Liz nixes this as well.

— Indiana Sibling

Dear Indiana Sibling: If you can forgive me for not weighing in on whether and what to tell Wendy, I might have something useful to say about you and Liz. You are not a “we” here. You are not joined by restrictions on privileged information, because Liz did not give you information that only she has access to or is supposed to have.

Liz didn’t give you information at all, in fact. All you got from Liz were her thoughts. You and Liz each know as much about Wendy as you ever did. If you want to talk to Wendy someday about your experiences with your friends and connections you made to Wendy, then that’s your prerogative.

I do recommend talking about this with Liz before saying boo to Wendy, though, if that’s the way you decide to go here — and also saying nothing of Liz to Wendy. That’s basic accountability.