We look great on social media, but ...
Q. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. We’ve built a really nice life together. We both have good jobs, a nice home, a couple of teenage kids, and a dog. Basically, we look great on social media. However, for the past five or so years we have slowly grown apart. We seem to enjoy different things now. For example, I enjoy exercise and a healthy diet while my spouse enjoys takeout and being a couch potato. Another way we have grown apart is the way we express our opinions on things (especially political views). I like to be reserved and tend to give my views only when asked, and even then I am pretty short and sweet about it. He tends to be abrasive, loud, and monopolizes all conversations, not only pushing me away but also friends and family (not to mention our children). Let me be clear: He is not abusive emotionally, just overconfident in his viewpoints.
He was not always like this, and it seems that he has established some of these stronger views and more challenging conversation styles from a group of co-workers he sees every day. I have brought up the change in my husband’s behavior. He acknowledges what I say but continues on anyhow. I have tried to suggest that we go for counseling, which he isn’t totally against, but my fear is that he will nod and listen to the counselor and then, like many other times, nothing will change. I have told him numerous times that he is alienating me and his children with this behavior but I think in his mind we will always be there for him, so why make the effort to change? I just feel like I’m on a really bad hamster wheel.
THE REALLY TIRED HAMSTER A. If he’s open to therapy, go. Go on your own, too.
I understand why you fear it won’t help, but there’s only one way to find out.
Tell the therapist you want specific tools for ending these conversations before you’re in too deep. What cues can you give each other when you’re uncomfortable? What steps can your husband take to learn better timing and more respect?
What can you both learn about listening? Ask for communication tips you can take home.
The lifestyle stuff is important to talk about too. Sometimes coupled people want to do different things with their spare time, but where do your interests still overlap? Do you like vacations? Movies? It would be nice to know if anything is in the middle of your marital Venn diagram.
Think about who has been good company for both of you in the marriage. Maybe the two of you can make plans with people who bring out the best in your partnership. Old friends, the people who were around as you built this life together. It might bring up some memories and old skills.
You didn’t mention leaving. You don’t seem to be there yet. This is an important moment to figure out why you’re still married. Make sure he understands you’re hitting a wall. So many people write letters when it’s clear they’re past the point of being able to fix anything. This is the time to do the work — so you can decide if it works at all.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
For heaven’s sake — he’s willing to go to therapy. So go! An objective third party can work wonders.
SEENITTOO
You’ve both slouched into an unhealthy pattern of expressing superiority over each other. His delivery is brash and confrontational. Yours sounds more passive-aggressive. Take advantage of marriage counseling to challenge yourselves to break this pattern.
TERMINATER5
You are writing this letter putting everything on him as though HE is the one doing all the changing here but I have a feeling that isn’t quite true. I think you are ignoring/dismissing all the ways that YOU have changed over the years. You have a part in all of this and you’re going to have to acknowledge that if you are going to save your marriage.
RESPONDER1234
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.