How do I keep things casual?
Q. I’m 55 and have been divorced for the better part of a decade after a long marriage. While I’ve dated over the years, I’ve not found a steady relationship or gotten serious with anyone. I enjoy the freedom that living single provides, and am not looking to get married again — but I was hoping to find someone to care about who also cares about me.
A year ago, I met someone and we casually dated for about five months. We went away together for a weekend, but right after we returned from the trip he ghosted me. Even though we were only casual, I was deeply hurt by the rejection and briefly went back to therapy to process a lot of emotions it brought up about past abandonment.
He eventually reached out to apologize for his behavior and offer an explanation, and ultimately we decided to keep our distance and be friends. However, over time, we wound up rekindling the romantic side of things and started dating again, but agreed to keep things casual.
Fast forward to today. I now find myself having deeper feelings for him. I care about him very much, and miss him when we’re not together, but I don’t believe he sees me the same way. I love spending time with him and we have a blast together, but I fear that each time I see him will be the last, and that he will reject me again. In the days after we see each other, I get sad because I’m wishing that he returned my feelings and wanted a relationship, but recognize it’s probably never going to happen.
I feel like I need to take some kind of proactive steps, but my friends are advising to ride it out and just keep him around and have fun with it while it lasts. (I’m not getting any younger, I’ve been single for a long time, and they know how alone that I’ve been.) I could use an opinion from someone with an objective perspective. Any advice?
CASUAL?
A. I wonder if your friends understand that staying with this man is making you lonelier than you might be if you were 100 percent single. If he wasn’t around, you’d miss him, but you wouldn’t have to deal with the sadness you experience after he’s gone. It sounds like your brain is saying, “Hey, you can’t handle being casual with this man anymore! It is bad for you!” … but you haven’t taken steps to deal with the problem.
I disagree with your friends, even though they probably mean very well. You’re not getting any younger, so why would you stay in a situation that leaves you feeling empty? Tell this man you’re looking for more — that you no longer feel casual about him and want to be a couple.
You can explain what that would mean to you — how it would look and what you desire. If he’s not enthusiastic about trying, you can break it off. Take space and be sad, and then, soon enough, you’ll remember that your life works without him too.
He’s not the only man out there, and at 55, there are probably a lot of people who seek what you describe in you first paragraph. It might be nice to be able to look for them.
I’m all for being proactive, even if it means letting go. MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
From the title of the letter, you want to know how to keep things casual. But from the content of the letter, you want the exact opposite. You’re not looking for casual. You tried it and realize that’s not for you. That’s a good step. Now go and do something about that. This man is not the right one for you. He’s not looking for the same things you are. There are plenty of 50-something divorcees and never-marrieds that are looking for what you’re looking for. EASTIEONE
There’s nothing wrong with Meredith’s suggestion that you explain to him what you’re looking for from the relationship. Even though you think you know what his response will be, there’s no harm in putting it out there one last time before moving on. And that’s just what you should do if he doesn’t want what you want.
THEREALALMIGHTYZEESUS
Your friends are right. Stick to the rules you’ve created for yourselves, and start dating other men. There’s no need to give up the enjoyable aspects of this relationship while you search for a more compatible match.
EASTIEONE
I‘m afraid the paradox you’ve been looking for is too hard a needle to thread. Casual but not casual. Relationship but not relationship. I think you need to choose one category and accept the pros and cons of that one situation instead of trying to have it all.
BONECOLD
Personally, I wouldn’t take someone back who ghosted me. It speaks volumes about how the person communicates in relationships (i.e., they don’t). MIDGEYou
are never too old to love and be loved. I got married to my dream guy at 69 years old even though I never married before. We’ve been happily together for over 12 years now. Best wishes.
HAPPYINLOVE ^Nice to hear a happy story, Happy.
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