From yard work to sexting
Q. I am a 69-year-old woman who has been flirting and sexting with a 34-year-old man. He has done yard work for me and other favors that I pay him for. He broached the subject of sex. I was quite taken aback and resisted his gentle advances for some time. The truth is I like him a lot. He is funny and warm and listens to me — my husband doesn’t. He is persistent.
I have had a mastectomy and told him what this looks like, and he has suggested we blindfold each other the first time we’re together. I can’t do anything with him at my house because of my husband, and he has a live-in girlfriend. Am I crazy or just needy? He tells me he is a fun loving guy who likes to get high and have sex, but I feel a deeper connection. What do you think?
NEEDY?
A. He likes to have fun. You’re looking for more than that.
It sounds like you want attention and connection — something to make you feel less lonely. If you pursue a relationship with this man, you might be setting yourself up for a lot of confusion and pain. He has a girlfriend, and he’s not in this for more than a fling.
I feel like I’ve been asking this next question a lot lately (many people out there seem to be considering options outside of their exclusive relationships). Can you work on the relationship you’re in before you see what else is out there? You mentioned your husband as an afterthought, like a piece of furniture that’s in the way. Do you want to remain married?
I can’t tell you what to do, and I know this flirtation has made you feel seen. Maybe you’ve already made the decision to have the experience, and this letter is more about seeking permission.
But please take some time to think about what will be left when it’s over. Consider whether you’d be better off spending your energy on making choices about your marriage and the rest of your life.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
No matter how tempting this is, please don’t follow through. I think you are setting yourself up for some misery here. You are married and he has a live-in girlfriend. Nothing is going to become of this.
LEFTYLUCY7
I was rooting for you, ages be damned, until we got to the mention of your husband. Yikes. You seem to be focused though on logistics of where to have sex while *I’m* concerned you’re married. I’ll give you that this sounds very exciting and has probably brought out feelings you haven’t felt in a long time; I think you need to ask yourself whether you would be OK with your husband doing this. If you have an open marriage, I would think you would have mentioned that. I can tell you that this will JUST be physical. Errand guy will NOT want a relationship with you. This is all about a fantasy for both of you.
BKLYNMOM
If you both were single and looking for nostrings-attached fun, I’d say go for it. But your letter makes clear that none of this is true. You’re married, he’s coupled, and you want a level of intimacy that he won’t provide.
TERMINATER5
I had a long-term friends-with-benefits relationship with a much younger man and it was fun for a while. Ironically, I think he was the one who had more feelings. Given the age difference, I never planned or hoped that it would go anywhere. Also, both of us were single so there were no issues of that nature to deal with, and we didn’t have to get a motel. Moral issues aside, if you would be satisfied with one or an occasional meeting with him, I might say to go for it, but it sounds like you’re already emotionally attached to him and I think you would end up blowing up your marriage.
LEGALLYLIZ2017
I can write your next letter to Love Letters for you: “I slept with the much younger man who does yard work for me and used to flirt with me. Now he has ghosted me. How did this happen? How can I get him back?”
HEYITHINK
I don’t know if you have a “deep connection” with this guy. This is about sex and attention. I think you are lonely and something is missing from your relationship with your husband.
SURFERROSA
Either way, you’re going to need a new lawn guy.
WIZEN
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.