The key is to listen to what patients are asking for

Joan Wickersham wrote in her recent column about gaining a better understanding of hospice care. What I found most interesting was that her mother-in-law had an opinion of where she wanted to be and was sort of trying to tell her family what she wanted, and they did not listen.

Everyone should have the conversation: What do I want if something life-altering happens (while I am young) and how do I want to die (when I am old)? In my 60s and in good health, I want every heroic effort made. But at 85 or 95, maybe I’ll be ready to leave the hospital and, as Wickersham’s mother requested, “die at home.”

My dad got sick in his late 70s. When he was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer, he and my mom seemed comfortable with hospice. They had watched my grandmother suffer for several years and had spoken about the end of life as their kids were just beginning theirs. Eleven years later, when my brother, in his 50s, was facing his mortality, he really hadn’t discussed what he wanted. But he made our sister his health care proxy and trusted her to do the right thing. Given all the options, she chose to allow him a peaceful end rather than a tortured life. We called hospice, but he died before they could be of any assistance (less than 24 hours later).

After my brother died, my mom and I had a talk, and she said that when it was time — and not, as she put it, if she had a hangnail — she wanted a peaceful death in her own bed. We had called hospice then as well, for the supports, but they really had not much engagement. Still, if we needed them, they were there.

What I’ve learned is that we all need to make sure that those closest to us know what we value as a good life and how we want to spend our final days (if possible), and we need to listen when our loved ones are talking.

DAVE PILL Pittsfield