I’ve spent a lot on him

Q. I’m a widow with a teenager. Eighteen months ago, I met someone. He was incredible and everything I’ve always wanted. A few months after we got together, life got complicated for him. Health issues, family issues, financial issues. I tend to want to be the knight in shining armor, so I’ve spent a substantial amount on this person — financial help, trips, paying for our dates almost every single time.

Because of health issues, intimacy has been nonexistent for a year now. I was OK with it because there’s more to life than sex. The problem is that there’s no flirting, no kissing, no real intimate moments aside from holding hands. I almost have to beg for a real kiss (a peck doesn’t count to me). This has an enormous impact on my self-esteem. I’m constantly thinking I’m not attractive, smart, etc. Dates feel rushed, like he can’t wait to leave. It always feels like he’s on a mission. He arrives, we talk, plan what restaurant, what movie, we go do our thing, and he leaves.

We see each other once a week for about four hours. He gets very upset if I say we should just be friends. I think I love this person but I am becoming sadder and very resentful. I give alot but it seems all I get is crumbs. I know his life isn’t easy, but I don’t want to be second in anyone’s life. He tells me when his family situation changes (he cares for a few of his family members) our life will change. That might take three months or 10 years.

I know very well that life has no guarantees. But I am still young and healthy and I have a lot of love to give. I’m not sure what to do, as I hear from friends the dating world is a mess, and I really don’t want to date.

Should I wait and take whatever little I get from him or break it off and move on? He tells me he loves me all the time and I mean a lot to him, but somehow I’m not sure if I believe it or if I’m just his cash cow. What do you advise?

RESENTFUL

A. Break up with him and move on. This isn’t the relationship you want, and it hasn’t been for a long time.

I can’t tell you he’s using you for money, but you feel that way, and that’s what matters. You resent this man and believe he’s rushing through your dates. He’s promising a future, but you’re living for now — as you should. You have no idea what he’ll be like when his responsibilities change.

Do not stay with him because you fear there’s no one else. You can do a lot more with that four hours a week.

This is the thing about breakups — only one person has to want one. He can tell you that losing you would make him sad and upset, but ... that’s how these things work. Often, one party feels left behind and like it wasn’t up to them. If only all endings could be mutual and amicable.

It doesn’t sound like you should try to be friends after the breakup — not immediately, at least. Do not offer that as an alternative because you’ll want to prioritize yourself — to get your self-esteem back. It’s better as a clean break until the relationship means a bit less. Also, would he pay for friend dates? Probably not, right?

You have a lot of love to give, and I do think someone else will want it, and to reciprocate. Be your own knight in shining armor and rescue yourself.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

I don’t know how only four hours a week even qualifies as a relationship. It’s not even friends-with-benefits. If a man wants to be with you, he will find a way to be with you. Bottom line is: He has everything he wants right now. You don’t. Breaking things off with him shouldn’t be such a struggle — for either of you. There’s nothing there to begin with.

SEENITTOO

You are his cash cow. You are funding his life, and he doesn’t even have to touch you. He shows up for a quick date and leaves with his rent. Please dump him and start rebuilding your self-esteem.

BACKBAYBEEZUS

You can live with those memories of what was, or you can end it and move on to what might be with someone else.

RESPONDER1234

Who cares if he gets upset when you suggest you just want to be friends, and why do you even want to be friends with someone who only takes and doesn’t give? Kick him to the curb. P.S. Yes, the dating scene can be a mess, but so is this one-sided relationship. P.P.S: I’m sorry about the loss of your husband.

JONRUNSGRAFTON

Consider if unresolved grief is impacting your judgment. You seem like you have a lot of empathy for people who are suffering. Not sure how your husband died, but you may be working through that and hoping you can “save” the next guy you love if he needs it. This will attract needy men or exploiters. But remember, you have been through hell as a young widow. You need a little support too! You have lots of love to give, but you need to be ready to receive equal amounts of love. I really wish you and your son well as you look forward to a brighter future

LITTLEPENGUIN456