I don’t want the marriage to end

Q. A few years into our marriage, my wife and I were drifting apart. She was no longer affectionate and pushed me away. This went on for a few years. She would not be intimate. I talked to her about it, but she was also at a low point and couldn’t change.

Our courtship before marriage was not a storybook tale either. She had several difficult relationships with others while we were just friends, some with people I knew well. I loved her but could not get myself to bury the past and build trust. She pushed and I resisted — then I fell for her. But it took an embarrassingly long time.

When we drifted apart several years into marriage, I didn’t know what I had done wrong. I started spending time with female friends from work. It was platonic, but it gave me a sense of acceptance and selfworth. Months later, my wife had a big moment of quitting her job and growing close to me again, and we rekindled our relationship so quickly that I was shocked. I should have embraced this fully, and I thought I did. But of course I wanted to continue my friendships — and sometimes I stayed out after work instead of coming straight home.

I invited my wife out with my friends at first, but she said they were not good people. I continued to see them. I never had a physical affair, and for a long time I didn’t think I was doing anything all that wrong because it wasn’t physical, and they were people from work, just out and telling stories. But I prioritized these female friends over my wife for a few years, and I now know why it was so agonizing for her.

We have now been married 20 years and have two children. My wife has not been intimate with me for six years. She has had stretches of sadness and many periods of thriving — but she has no passion for me. We are otherwise wonderful friends.

I tried to do things that would reignite the romance — with some help from a counselor. I re-proposed to her a few years ago, but she didn’t want the ring. Nothing seemed to resonate. We’ve also had to spend a lot of attention (well and lovingly) on our children; one has special needs. I focused on providing and being a good father.

Several months ago, she said she wants a divorce. Since then, we’ve had the most honest discussions we’ve had in years. I’ve spent years trying to be a good husband and father, but apparently she didn’t think I really loved her, and that my behavior from a decade ago, with the friends, is disqualifying. After discussion, she now believes that I love her, but with so much pain for years, she doesn’t want to try to rekindle anything.

We had a few marriage counseling sessions in past years, but should have continued them. I want to seek counseling for us no matter where this leads. We both love our children immensely. We want them to have family life like it is now. We all genuinely get along and the kids are thriving.

But I want to rebuild a real marriage. I’ve asked for and received forgiveness, but she firmly believes it’s too late. I know that one person in love isn’t enough to make it work. She says she is “stuck” in something that is loving but not a marriage. She would rather be free and try to find true love elsewhere, and somehow also keep family life with our kids, even all under the same roof, if possible. It hurts. And I feel so sorry for her, that she felt unloved for so long. Any insights on next steps would be helpful.

LATE BLOOMER

A. You’re right — one person’s love isn’t enough to make anything work. If she wants to end the marriage, that’s what should happen.

You can ask to go back to counseling to talk about how to co-parent. She might want to keep the status quo, but it will be different, no matter what. The two of you might date other people. How would that work if you’re returning to the same house? Would you be in better spirits with the kids if you had more privacy and different homes? Tell her you need to understand — and discuss — how this might work, so you can stay happy and healthy as a family.

If you need to be away from her to get over her, that’s understandable. It might be painful to grieve the marriage while looking at her every day.

You can also seek therapy on your own — and I think that would be a huge help here. You’ve been working on this troubled marriage, while parenting, for the better part of two decades. Why was it so difficult? Could love be easier in the future, maybe with someone else? It would be great to talk to a professional about the kind of relationship you want, because you might realize your wife isn’t the right person to join you in it.

You can also talk about friendships there. Sure, you admit that you were looking for female attention when your marriage started to feel lonely. But it doesn’t sound like you had romantic feelings for any of your co-workers. You describe a nice bond with colleagues, and fun at restaurants after work. Perhaps you were absentee at home, but friends are nice. You might prefer a relationship where you can hang out with women — with anyone — and grow your community.

So much of your life has been about fixing problems and recovering from the past. It might be nice (eventually) to build something new.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

“She would rather be free and try to find true love elsewhere...” Take her up on this. I don’t see what either of you see in the other, besides kids and bad history.

VALENTINO

I’d love to read your wife’s perspective. Perhaps it would include: He had no reason to think I was unfaithful, but he kept demoralizing me by throwing my past in my face. Then he’d hang out for hours with the girls from the office, leaving me alone to care for our special needs child until I was utterly exhausted, then come home and want sex.

SEENITTOO

You are very hurt because you tried hard to do better, and it’s not appreciated, but you have to accept it is over. Don’t bring up her past emotional issues again. Consult an attorney. Start the divorce. Tell her you wish the outcome were different, that you are not going to spend the rest of your life celibate and as roommates, and that you are confident you two can do amicable co-parenting.

JIVEDIVA

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