She says she won’t date men
Q. I have a crush on a friend of many years. There’s a two-decade age gap between us (I am younger), but that isn’t our biggest issue. I am a bisexual woman and she is straight. She says she doesn’t want to date men because they ruin everything.
I’ve tried to keep my distance. I even had myself transferred to another building (we both work for the same school district), but I can’t get her out of my mind. Seeing her at work doesn’t help because she is so devoted to her job. I love how she goes out of her way for so many people. We’ve been attached at the hip at work since 2022. She even did some caretaking for me after I had an accident.
I have hinted to her how much I love her — and I do feel that I’m madly in love. Even more confusing is that even though she does not seem to want to date women, she gets clingy when I express interest in other people.
Is it worth being in love if it’s not going anywhere? Is there anything I can do about these feelings? When I’m with her, it’s like time is in slow motion and we are the only two people around.
SLOW MOTION A. It might help to ask a direct question about how she feels.
Have you ever put it out there, for real? As in: “Would you be interested in trying a romantic relationship with me?”
Hearing a “no” would be tough — but also enlightening. It might give you the motivation you need to think about other people.
It’s difficult to consider the appeal of strangers when you have a perfect part-time partner at work. Your daydreams about your friend are probably more interesting than any first date with someone new.
That’s why it could help to talk to your friend about reality — and boundaries. You want to make sure you know where you stand. You also want to respect whatever line she draws.
If she’s vague, well, take that as her kind way of saying there will be nothing more than the status quo. If she gives you a real “no” regarding romance, tell her you’ll work to figure out a new kind of relationship. Warn her that you might need to take some space.
At that point, you’ll spend time with other people, try to date more, and give others the chance to click with you in slow motion.
The issue here does seem to be the ambiguity — the fact that despite her being straight, it has felt like a maybe. Get clarity and make decisions accordingly. It sounds like having the right information could help you see this woman as an incredible friend.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Very disappointed “Boston marriage” has not been suggested in these pages. E_LOCKSMITH ^I wonder how many people even know that phrase anymore?
STRIPEYCAT
You’re creating a fantasy about her and it’s supported by what we call motivated perception. You’re out there every day creating more false proof to feed your fantasy. Your perception is being influenced by your own needs/wishes/ goals and has nothing to do with her. In other words, you see what you want to see and believe what you want to believe.
EACB
It’s fine to have feelings of love for her, and enjoy her friendship, but if she’s straight that’s all you’re ever going to get. So don’t let her slow down your search for an in love relationship that is mutual.
JM501
There are only two ways to go. 1. Have a conversation with her and be prepared for her to say she’s not interested in women, or the very least not interested in you (and be prepared for the possible awkwardness that may come), or 2. Find someone closer to your age who is very much interested in you as you are her. Or maybe you’ll luck out. Twenty years, huh? Perhaps think on that.
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/ loveletters.