My ex sent me a card
Q. I am a woman in a happy 30-year marriage. Out of the blue, I received a card and photo from a man I was madly in love with prior to meeting my spouse. I met and fell in love with that man over 40 years ago, when we were both in our 20s. He cared about me too, but the relationship fell apart (which caused me a lot of pain) because his parents disapproved of me. They wanted him to marry someone of the same ethnic and social background, and I was not.
Eventually he married someone I presume his parents approved of, but that marriage is no more (the card makes it clear). I don’t know if he’s divorced or if his wife died, and I don’t want to press him for details. He has college-age children. I am certain he reached out to me because he feels bad about what happened between us and wants me to know he is single. Receiving his card has destroyed my peace of mind. I cried more than once. It made me realize I still care about him. We live on separate continents.
Am I crazy to fantasize about seeing him? Not having an affair, but just seeing him. Or am I kidding myself? Is friendship possible in such a situation?
Can a woman love her husband and feel love for an old lover too?
PUSHED INTO LOVING HIM AGAIN
A. Of course you still care about him. He was a great love!
But 40 years later, these intense feelings are about something else. Maybe nostalgia, gratitude, or a need for excitement. Perhaps all of the above.
I think many of us can love a current partner, care about people from our past, fantasize about what could have been, get sad about what we missed, and come right back to the couch where we eat our popcorn and live our best lives.
You can love this man — or the idea of him — forever. But it’s not what you feel for your husband of 30 years — the guy who built a life with you.
You understand that, right?
The more complicated question is about seeing this old love, or even reaching out. There’s a version of this where you connect on Zoom or FaceTime, just to get a better sense of how much things have changed. You could honor the time you had together with a conversation about what it meant and where you are now.
As someone who recently met up with an ex like this, I understand the big feelings. However, you’re not that young girl from 30 years ago anymore, so take a few deep breaths, have a ceremonial burning-of-the-card, and refocus on your life in the present and your 30-year marriage. Wish him well in your heart, be done, and keep moving forward.
PENSEUSE
If he’d written a note saying, “Hey, what’s up?,” that might be a good option.
But it sounds like his card was epic. Emotional. Or it made you feel epic and emotional. That’s not the kind of content that leads to a lowstakes chat.
That’s why I think you should let this go or send a simple note back explaining that you hope he’s well, and that you’ll always root for him to be happy. Leave it at that.
Give yourself time to get over the card shock. It might take a bit.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
I suspect that being friends isn’t your motive, you like the romantic aspect. So NO. If you want to pursue someone else romantically, divorce your husband and THEN do so.
KWINTERS1
“Receiving his card has destroyed my peace of mind. I cried more than once.” If this reaction isn’t an exaggeration, it is a problem. If your reaction wasn’t so extreme, it wouldn’t be a big deal to follow one another on social media.
COMMENTOR2
Maybe he’s not having much luck dating and reached out to an ex for the ego boost of knowing that he could still attract someone. He hurt you once, don’t let him hurt you again.
PHILONIA
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/ loveletters.