After 30-plus years together, is our marriage over?
Q. My wife and I have been together for 30-plus years and have been married for 10 years. We’ve had our ups and downs.
We have no children, and I always wanted at least one child. We didn’t have any, and eventually we fell out of love with each other. Now we haven’t had sex in two years.
Every time I bring this up to her, she doesn’t make any moves to make things better. She says, of our intimacy problem, “Why do I have to make the first move?”
But she’s always busy when I initiate. She’s always on the phone. Always going on girls’ trips.
How do you know when a marriage should be over?
OUT OF LOVE A. Why not ask your wife if she wants to stay married? Maybe she doesn’t. That would answer a big question.
You could try to answer that question for yourself, too. Is there any reason to stay? Is your commitment a real partnership — or is it more about routine, finances, and history?
What makes you want to keep trying?
You’ve spent decades together, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep the relationship going forever. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go. It sounds like the two of you might thrive as single people, prioritizing your own needs and finding significant others and friends who share your goals.
Really, the kid stuff is in the past, but it’s something you can talk about with a therapist. Seek help as you consider disappointments, losses, and the wonderful things that could still happen. Ask your wife if she wants to join you as you figgle ure it all out.
To be very honest, I’m not sure how people know when a marriage is over. I assume it’s different for everyone, and that it’s rarely a quick, easy decision.
You didn’t tell us much about your ups and downs as a couple, only that you didn’t get everything you wanted, and that you’re not happy now.
I think the next step is asking the simplest and scary questions. Such as, “Do we still want this?”
It’s difficult to initiate these conversations, but please try.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
The things you don’t say are fascinating, to be honest. Why did you finally get married after 20 years? Were you actually together all that time? Why do you try to initiate sex when she is on the phone?
STRIPEYCAT
“How do you know when a marriage should be over?” It is not easy. I had a hard time breaking up with someone I was with for seven years because it is hard to let go of all that time and accept being sinagain. But I KNEW in my gut it was what I needed to improve my life, so I made the VERY HARD decision. You have 30 years invested at this point. Do you get anything positive out of the marriage? Do YOU want to stay together or does being “free” sound better to you? Is there too much anger/animosity built up to work on the marriage? Would you even want to try with a counselor? If you want to try to stay together, you will have to be brave and maybe swallow your pride and ask your wife to discuss the state of your marriage with you. Ask if she is happy, and why she is/isn’t, and be honest with her about why you are/are not. If you don’t feel it is “worth” it to have this discussion, then the other discussion is to tell her you want to end the marriage. What other option is there? To let an unhappy marriage drag on even longer?
KWINTERS1
Your signoff, Out of Love, pretty much says it all. Sure, have the conversation with her, but don’t expect miracles. It seems that you both might be happier apart so she can live her busy life and you can have a chance to find a more compatible mate. All of this will be impacted by your finances of course. Make a plan that satisfies both of you, and execute it.
HIKERGAL128NH
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