I still check his TikTok, Spotify, Instagram . . . and Pinterest
Q. I am dealing with the end of my long-term (well, six-month) relationship. It ended very recently. He is not my first love, but the way this is hurting, it feels similar.
The people in my life do not like him. I must admit, he did treat me badly. He was constantly following random women on social media, comparing me to his ex, judging his own family members. Before we broke up, he insisted he wanted to marry me (of all things). To spend the rest of his life with me. He just needed to “change.” Grow. I can’t help it. I’m hoping.
Is it possible to get back together after we’ve both had time apart? Will I be able to forget the ways he made me feel awful? I’ve found myself lurking — stalking his TikTok, Instagram, Spotify, and Pinterest. It’s bad. But I just can’t bring myself to block him because I keep hoping we’ll be together again. I also don’t think I’d ever forgive myself for letting him back in my life. I don’t believe my friends would either. But right now, I can’t imagine the rest of my life without him in every aspect of it, even if it’s just as friends. I’m scared he’ll end up finding someone else very quickly, or that he’s not as heartbroken over the separation as I am. I’m seeing him this Saturday because of previous social plans. A part of me dreads it and a part of me is longing to see his sweet face again. I guess I’m asking: How do I get better? How do I start? Do I keep holding hope? I am young, but this feels very real.
HOPING A. You say you can’t block his accounts, but I believe you are capable! I also believe that a friend could do the blocking for you.
Maybe I’ll start a business where I’m a blocking coach. I can come in, block accounts, help schedule good activities for people to do during the first few weeks after a breakup … honestly, a public service.
I wish he hadn’t given you hope for later, but I get it — he wants to keep his options open. It was not kind of him to end this relationship with a “maybe marriage.” It was not romantic. It didn’t show you that he can put your feelings first.
First loves (yes, plural) can lead to world-shattering breakups. Big, terrible feelings. Part of it is that you’re learning to accept loss — to understand how it feels to say, “This person is important to me, but that doesn’t mean they can be in my life.” This is a good time to teach yourself how to ride out discomfort. Be sad — and then do something else for a bit. Surround yourself with friends and revisit activities you loved before you spent time with your ex. You’re probably not ready to date, and that’s OK.
Consider breaking social plans that involve seeing him. No need to see his sweet face — which, by the way, is also the face of the guy who compared you to his ex, made you feel bad, angered your loved ones, and let you go. Do not forget it.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
For six months you had a wild ride. A lot of drama, a lot of intense declarations on his part, a lot of heartache on yours. Now life without that drama seems pretty empty, so you re-create it by following him on social media and obsessing over whether he’ll find someone else, etc. You don’t have to block him entirely, but you can become less interested. Make plans to meet up with friends, attend a play or gallery opening if you’ve never done that, go listen to live music that’s a little out of your norm. In short, start changing your life in small ways. Chances are, you’ll find something or someone more interesting than your ex out there if you just look. PHILONIA
“How do I get better?” By blocking him and skipping these social plans. Whatever they are, they aren’t more important than your emotional health.
THE-BLOG-CONSIGLIERIE
Going forward, I hope you find a healthy, loving relationship. If someone treats you badly they aren’t worth having, not even for a hookup or fling, never mind a relationship.
RANDOMKINDNESS
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/ loveletters.