I don’t like how he’s raising his kid
Q. I am a 36-year-old female dating a 30year-old male who has custody of his child, who’s a toddler. This man and I have been taking it slow and have been dating for about four months. I recently met his son.
Our relationship is nice, and I enjoy seeing him and his kid. I have an issue, though, with some of the ways he’s raising his kid. I don’t have kids, and I’m trying not to judge, but I have many friends/family members with kids.
First issue, his kid is almost 4 and has a bottle every night before bed, in the morning, and before naps. To me, this is too old and can cause physical issues with his teeth and mouth. Second issue, he has no bedtime and often goes to bed around 9 or 10 p.m. Later on the weekends. He falls asleep in the living room and gets carried to bed. No brushing of his teeth or any routine. Last issue, he has the kid sleep in his bed every night with him.
I don’t know if I should say something, keep my mouth shut, or just break up with him?
BEDTIME
A. Please understand: I gave no expertise when it comes to kids and parenting. My advice is about adult communication and how to figure out next steps.
I think it’s OK to ask questions — because you need answers. There’s a way to inquire without advising, to get information without saying, “Hey, you’re doing it wrong.”
You can ask how the lack of bedtime (and the sleeping in bed thing) affects him (the dad). You can ask what it was like when his son was a baby. Was he a good sleeper? Was this the one way to get him to pass out? Maybe the questions will lead to answers that give you a sense of what might change.
Years ago, more than a few friends told me that their kids slept in bed with them around that age. Most said that they wished they could get their children into a different routine, but, at that moment, they were just happy everyone was sleeping.
They gave me context about their feelings, talked about their hopes, and even admitted that most of the time they didn’t know what they were doing (which seems pretty common).
Inquire and then assess. You can even say, “I hope I can ask this without seeming judgmental … but this is different than what I’ve seen with my family. How does it work for you?” (Those are my words. You can come up with something better, I’m sure.) Maybe it’ll lead to a conversation with some humor. Find out if he’s defensive, open to talking, and how it feels to discuss uncomfortable things.
If you stay in this man’s life, the kid will be part of the equation. You’re allowed to get information so you can make the best decision about what happens next.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
You could try to discuss your concerns in a curious and supportive way rather than a judgmental one, i.e., tell me more about why…? None of what you report is extreme or neglectful however. If his son is cranky in the morning and unable to get up and ready for preschool/school due to the lack of bedtime routine, you could talk about that. You could ask if there’s anything you can do to help. You could try introducing your own routines when you’re there, such as bringing books and reading to him at night, then maybe suggest “let’s brush teeth first” if that’s going well, etc. I think not brushing teeth has to do with your boyfriend not wanting to wake up his son at that point. (I assume your boyfriend brushes his teeth before bed and understands this is basic hygiene?) Also, a dentist will discuss this with your boyfriend if the child’s PCP hasn’t already. At four months, none of this is your concern so proceed with caution if you want to continue this relationship!
MIDGE
I lived with a child and her Mom for a number of years, and I took on a stepparent-like role (failed engagement).
Even so, there were still limits as to what I could say or do. Open communication with the parent is key, and I understood my boundaries; if you can’t have that, then kid or not your relationship is doomed. In your case, however, four months is way too soon to interject any of your opinions. If you don’t like what you see about a partner, it’s time to move on. It doesn’t really matter if it’s about child-rearing or about how he chews iceberg lettuce.
BLISTERED-TOE
Any “approach with curiosity” advice is disingenuous. We all know that your primary agenda is not to better understand; it’s to change his parenting approach, which is not appropriate for the very short amount of time you’ve been dating. For the first year of dating anyone, you’re gathering information on who they are and deciding if they’re a fit. You’re not molding, shaping, and changing the other person into who you want/hope them to be. This seems to be a pretty huge flag that your values in very important areas of life are starkly different. My advice is to take that difference seriously, do not critique his parenting, and just end the relationship now. BONECOLD
Pretty tepid description based on what we usually see in Love Letters. Even if you’re not given to effusive description, letter writer, you don’t come across as especially into this relationship. Find someone who knocks your socks off. DANGLE PARTICPLE
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