When they overshare on a first date …
Q. i am in the dating scene and have had several first dates with men who have “overshared” personal details of their lives.
this information is never particularly relevant to the conversation we are having. Sometimes this happens even before a first date, and sometimes it’s not even about their own lives (the most recent example was when somebody shared with me about his friend’s parent’s serious illness).
Do these men just need somebody to talk to? Do they lack a filter? Are they trying to gain my trust too quickly because their motives aren’t good?
Also, i have concerns about this type of behavior because it makes me think that they would, in the future, broadcast details of our personal life together to people i would be uncomfortable knowing that information. i don’t think it would be appropriate for me to express this concern without really knowing the person.
So far, things haven’t worked out with any of these men for other reasons, but i need advice about what to do for “next time.”
COnfUSED in BOStOn A. Oversharing happens to appeal to me more than small talk forever, but i understand. You want to know interesting information within reason — and at the right time.
the strangest thing, to me, is that they’re sharing intimate details that aren’t relevant to the conversation. like, if i told you right now that i’m getting a colonoscopy next month. (i am! Everybody, ask your doctor if it’s time for yours, too!) You might not like that.
My point here is that some people are comforted by those who offer a bunch of personal details up front. You’re not — so it makes sense that none of these relationships have progressed. i’m sure there are plenty of people out there who will start a courtship by talking about the weather and siblings, and move to more important topics when it feels right.
i think you’ve just had a random run of oversharers.
i do want to give them the benefit of the doubt, by the way, and assume there’s no malice in their game. Some people get nervous on first dates and say too much — or too little. Maybe they want to keep connecting before that date so they say anything they think might stick. the messages don’t always land.
Also, maybe that one person’s friend’s parent’s serious illness is weighing on them a lot. i can’t guess his tone, but maybe he was trying to show you he cares about the people in his life.
You don’t have to like this. i’m just happy you’re getting from messages to first dates. Maybe that’s part of it, too. i get so many letters from people who match with others but never get to the next step, in person. Perhaps the people who are willing to go on an actual date are ready to get to know someone — and have plenty to say.
if the vibes are off, move on to the next. But if you’re not sure, try to keep it going and find out if the oversharing leads to something better.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
if men are telling you things that you consider to be oversharing on the first date, it could mean that the first date has gone on too long and they are struggling for things to talk about to keep the conversation going. it’s not necessarily a bad thing; it could mean they are really enjoying the date and don’t want it to end, but have strained the limits of typical first-date chatter. Also consider, because it seems like it might be the case, that you may be a more private person than most others.
THEBLOG-CONSIGLIERIE
Unless they’re naming names, sharing intimate details of exes, etc., i wouldn’t worry about them being loose-lipped about your dates. i think sometimes men talk to women about things they can’t talk to other guys about … things like a friend’s parent’s illness. it’s likely a wanting to connect, maybe being a little awkward, but not sinister. if conversations with any of these guys make you uneasy, just don’t agree to a second date.
DANGLEPARTICIPLE
Yes, to any and all of the above. not everyone has adequate social skills. it can also be nervousness, loneliness, or any other number of -nesses. WiZEn
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.